Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The 800lb. Gorilla Has Moved!

Dear Readers, Due to circumstances out of our control, the Gorilla Guys were forced to move The 800lb. Gorilla to a new home at WordPress. You can find us at http://800lbgorilla.wordpress.com/ Rest assured we are alive and well and still pissing people off. Make sure you bookmark our new site and visit us often. Thanks for sticking with us, The Gorilla Guys

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Old Man And His C Arrested

PHOENIX, Arizona- U.S. Border police arrested an 81-year-old Nogales, Arizona man as he tried to cross from Mexico with 175 pounds (80 kg) of cocaine stuffed into his Buick Skylark, officials said on Wednesday. Nogales which lies some 165 miles south of Phoenix, is the second busiest cocaine transit point in the US, behind only Kiefer Sutherland's West Malibu rancher. The geriatric drug courier drew the suspicion of Nogales, Arizona officers who found him "racing" his Buick at speeds in excess of twenty five miles an hour in a sixty five zone. "They stopped him and asked if they could be of service. He was given some water and crackers. His blood pressure was checked and the officers inquired as to whether he had taken enough fiber." said Customs and Border Protection spokesman Brian Levin. He was put down for a nap in the backseat of a cruiser. When one of the officers went to check the geriatric courier's ride for a pillow and blanket, he found 175 pounds of white powder instead. "I was a little chafed so I used some of it, thinking it was baby powder. My balls just started dancing, and that's when I knew it was something else."said one of the officers. After retrieving a pillow and blanket, the officers conducted a field test and then awoke the old cocaine codger and arrested him. Levin was asked for the old man's reaction to the arrest. "He was relieved. What I mean to say is, he relieved himself. He actually assaulted one of the officers with his walker. He rambled on about having a bunch of coupons in his glovebox to cover his bail. He was concerned that he might miss "The Price Is Right"; he told them he hasn't missed an episode in twenty nine years. I don't remember encountering someone quite this cranky trying to smuggle drugs into this country."

Sports Shorts

Sound the Clarett: Running Back Arrested, Signed By Raiders. Former Ohio State running back and current menace to society Maurice Clarett was charged with carrying a concealed weapon after a highway chase early Wednesday that ended with police using Mace on the former Buckeye standout and NFL flop. Clarett's vehicle was searched and four loaded guns were found, leading authorities to believe that Clarett was on his way to an NFL tryout. Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said. "He was stumbling and bumbling and rumbling. If we would have realized who he (Clarett)was earlier on in the struggle, we simply would have tackled him and ended it right there." As news of Clarett's arrest spread, the Oakland Raiders sprung into action, offering the full time outlaw a guaranteed three year contract. "Maurice has the potential to be a true Raidah." Said the formerly lucid Raiders owner Al Davis. "He's not there quite yet, but a few more arrests and he's going to go down as an all time great." Raiders coach Art Shell disagrees. "That boy has a ways to go to be mentioned in the same breath with my brothers. Ted Hendricks would've kept that car chase going till he ran out of gas and then he would've emptied his guns on them. And Tooz (Defensive End John Matuszak)would've made them shoot through that vest. Hell, you don't wear a perfectly good bullet proof vest unless you plan on getting shot!" This Bud's For Everybody Major League Commissioner Bud Selig has reversed fie

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Reuters Withdraws Manipulated Hajj Images

London- Reuters withdrew all 920 photographs by a freelance Lebanese photographer from its database on Monday after a review of his work showed that he may have altered images from the conflict between Israel and the armed group Hezbollah. Global Picture Editor Tom Szlukovenyi called the measure precautionary, but said the fact that the images by photographer Adnan Hajj might have been manipulated undermined trust in his entire body of work. "There is no graver breach of Reuters standards for our photographers than the detectable manipulation of an image," Szlukovenyi said in a statement. "Reuters has zero tolerance for its pictures being discovered as manipulated and constantly reminds its photographers, both staff and freelance, of this strict and unalterable policy." The news and information agency announced the decision in an advisory note to its photo service subscribers. The note also said Reuters had tightened editing procedures for manipulated photographs from the conflict and apologized for the case. Reuters ended its relationship with Hajj on Sunday after The Drudge Report discovered that a photograph he had taken of the aftermath of an Israeli air strike on suburban Beirut had been manipulated using Photoshop software to show more and darker smoke rising from buildings. An immediate enquiry began into Hajj's other work. It was all too easily established on Monday that a photograph of an Israeli F-16 fighter over Nabatiyeh, southern Lebanon and dated Aug 2, had also been doctored to increase the number of flares dropped by the plane from one to three. For Hajj, there would be no strike three. "The decision to sever Reuters relationship with Adnan Hajj was an easy one. It was clear to us that Hajj's work was wasn't up to our standards," Szlukovenyi said. "We wish Adnan the best of luck with his new freelance forged document service," added Szlukovenyi.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Dixie Chicks Schedule Yukon Leg Of North American Tour

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Several concerts on the Dixie Chicks' "Total Accidents & False Accusations" tour have been canceled after slow ticket sales in the U.S., but the group says it has replaced them with other dates in Canada. Kansas City, Houston, St. Louis, Memphis and Knoxville are among 14 cities no longer on the original schedule released in May, according to a revised itinerary posted Thursday on the Dixie Chick's Web site. Other shows, including Nashville, Los Angeles, Denver and Phoenix, have been pushed back to later dates in hopes of better ticket sales, but will probebly also be canceled. The North American leg of the tour kicked off July 21 in Detroit. Billboard magazine and other trade publications have reported lackluster ticket sales in almost every city in the U.S. portion of the tour. Group spokeswoman Kathy Allmand said Monday that the total number of North American dates remains the same, with several Canadian cities added in place of the U.S. shows. The trio released a statement last week attributing the changes to attempts to "accommodate demand" and said more dates might be added next year. The group also said the adjustments will allow them to promote the new Dave Markey music documentary "Dixie Chicks: Shut The Fuck Up and Sing," for the Toronto International Film Festival in September. Markey, who directed 1991: The Year Punk Broke, filmed the Dixie Chicks' European tour through France. "We hope that our fans who were looking forward to a stop that is no longer on the tour will be able to join us in a nearby Canadian arena this fall, and we are sorry for any confusion or inconvenience these changes have caused," the Dixie Chicks said. Many country fans criticized the band after lead singer Natalie Maines told a London audience in 2003 on the eve of war in Iraq that the trio was "ashamed" President Bush was from their home state of Texas. County radio stations dropped them from their playlists and have been slow to welcome them back, despite strong foriegn sales of their latest album, "Taking the Long Way." The album, which has more of a rock edge than their previous releases, has sold more than 1 million copies in Europe.

Porn Industry Lacks Direction

HOLLYWOOD- Adult Video News, the porn industry's official trade publication, issued a press release Tuesday stating that "the adult film industry's future is in jeopardy due to lack of quality direction." The press release offered little explanation as to why the porn industry has found itself in such dire need of experienced directors, but industry insiders have their own opinions. "Today, any actor with a body of work and a pulse would kill to sit in the director's chair, but that's not the case in the adult film industry," said retired adult film actress Vicky Vette. "I think that today's porn stars would rather express themselves in front of the camera, and that's where the experience to direct adult movies comes from. You just can't direct adult film stars unless you've been one. How else does an actress appear to enjoy ejaculation in the face unless she gets her motivation from an experienced director?" added Vette. For the few in the industry who remember the golden age of porn (1971-1977), it is hard to bear witness to porn's present crisis. "Actors are left to interpret scenes entirely on their own, and the result is that the high standard of quality once found in adult film is suffering, and nobody gets off on poor quality," said Brett Rockman, president of Rocks-Off Entertainment, a Hollywood based adult film studio. "Today's adult movies are the most exploitative, shamelessly masturbatory male-empowerment fantasy ever committed to video," said Rockman. "I've never seen such utterly depraved filmmaking. I used to be proud of my work, but now the best adult production is just a pandering, lowest-common-denominator wank-fest. For the first time in my adult film making career I can honestly say that I'm ashamed of my work," added Rockman. Porn actors, once flushed out the other side of the industry by the ripe age of 29, are now working long into their 50's, and for some, directing would just be the first step toward a retirement they dread. "Let's face it. The day I give in and step behind the camera I might as well retire my penis too," said 53 year old porn actor, Rod Jeromy. Jeromy, ranked by Adult Video News as #1 in a list of the 50 greatest porn stars of all time, gained notoriety for his exceptionally long and thick penis, reported to be 9.75 inches (24.76 centimeters) and for being capable of autofellatio. "I'm sure I'd be a great adult film director, but it's the acting that I love. I'm an actor. I can't change who I am," said Jeromy.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Philly Man Says Food Found In Dumpster "Not As Good As It Looked"

PHILADELPHIA, PA- A Philadelphia man spent the night in an area hospital recovering from dehydration as the result of vomiting and uncontrolled defecation. Phil Navaro, of North Philadelphia, said the emesis began about one hour after eating the remains of a cheese steak he discovered in a dumpster outside of his apartment complex. "It was practically untouched...just nibbled on one end a little. I guess it wasn't as good as it looked. You never know about these things until it's too late," Navaro said while leaving the emergency room of Temple University Hospital. Navaro was released by hospital physicians after receiving two liters of IV fluid and a tetanus shot.

Top 50 Rejected Children's Book Titles

1. You are Different and That’s Bad 2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me 3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’ 4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book: 6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. How to Kick Ass At School 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. Adoption: A Fresh Start 13. Grandpa's new Casket 14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way 19. Why You Were An Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan 23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid 24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments 25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School 26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry 29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool 30. If It Feels Good, Touch It! 31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet 32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road 33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid 34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt) 35. Bullies Have More Fun 36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love 37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend 38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy 39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place 40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer 41. I Am My Own Grandpa 42. Who’s My Daddy? 43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent 44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets 45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week 46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP 47. Little Hands, Big Toasters 48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet 49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You 50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink

Friday, August 04, 2006

Bush: "I'll Try Diplomacy"

Kissing Baby One More Time

NEWARK, N.J. -- The Newark Bears, a minor league baseball team, are hosting a Britney Spears Baby Safety Night to spread the message about keeping babies safe in vehicles. The event is named for the 24-year-old pop star who drew criticism when she was photographed with her baby son, Sean Nintendo Preston, sitting on her lap as she drove, and later, in a car seat facing forward rather than facing backward, which some safety regulations say is best.Fans attending Friday night's game will receive information on baby car seat safety and will automatically be entered into a raffle in which they could win Britney's baby. "Britney is bored with the baby. She thought it (the baby) would be able to do things on its own by now. It's hard enough for her with Kevin (Federline) not even being able to wipe (his own ass), she doesn't need more of the same. A giveaway is only as good as the parents though. So I urge Bears fans to attend only if they are ready for the responsibilities that come with parenting, please." Said a spokesperson for Ms. Spears. The Bears have promoted the free baby giveaway night with all the bells, whistles and strapless bras that would be expected when it comes to the ditzy blonde diva. Fans who dress as a baby get in free. Those who dress as a baby and soil their diapers win a dinner with Britney's husband and faux rapper Kevin Federline. And anyone willing to take a stab at singing on top of the dugout to one of Britney's songs will have the chance to impregnate Britney. Spears has defended her parenting skills and has cautioned against judging her. "I did it with my dad. I would sit on his lap and drive him home when he was drunk. And look at me, I turned out just fine." the Louisiana native said of the February incident.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Hate Mail

To whom it may concern, Recently you posted a story titled Israel vs. Hezbollah Big Winner In Nielsen Ratings. As a Jewish American I found your story to be very antisemitic. You described Hezbollah's leader as a "legend" and a "brilliant tactitian", while bashing the Israeli commander as "the most unsavory war villain since Slobodan Milosavic". This is totally outrageous and I demand a retraction and an apology. Sincerely, Daniel T. New York, NY Daniel, Have some Mandelbrot and shut the fuck up. PS. Have you read the New York Times lately? To the Editor, Yours is the most offensive and insensitive blog I've ever read. In the short time that I spent reading your stories I found racism, bigotry, homophobia, hate-speech and sexism. You should be ashamed. Dana P. Madison, WI Dana, Just to show we care, here is a link to a national organization of easily offended people. We hope it helps.