The 800lb. Gorilla

The 800lb. Gorilla Has Moved!

2006-08-15T00:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers, Due to circumstances out of our control, the Gorilla Guys were forced to move The 800lb. Gorilla to a new home at WordPress. You can find us at http://800lbgorilla.wordpress.com/ Rest assured we are alive and well and still pissing people off. Make sure you bookmark our new site and visit us often. Thanks for sticking with us, The Gorilla Guys

Old Man And His C Arrested

2006-08-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

PHOENIX, Arizona- U.S. Border police arrested an 81-year-old Nogales, Arizona man as he tried to cross from Mexico with 175 pounds (80 kg) of cocaine stuffed into his Buick Skylark, officials said on Wednesday. Nogales which lies some 165 miles south of Phoenix, is the second busiest cocaine transit point in the US, behind only Kiefer Sutherland's West Malibu rancher. The geriatric drug courier drew the suspicion of Nogales, Arizona officers who found him "racing" his Buick at speeds in excess of twenty five miles an hour in a sixty five zone. "They stopped him and asked if they could be of service. He was given some water and crackers. His blood pressure was checked and the officers inquired as to whether he had taken enough fiber." said Customs and Border Protection spokesman Brian Levin. He was put down for a nap in the backseat of a cruiser. When one of the officers went to check the geriatric courier's ride for a pillow and blanket, he found 175 pounds of white powder instead. "I was a little chafed so I used some of it, thinking it was baby powder. My balls just started dancing, and that's when I knew it was something else."said one of the officers. After retrieving a pillow and blanket, the officers conducted a field test and then awoke the old cocaine codger and arrested him. Levin was asked for the old man's reaction to the arrest. "He was relieved. What I mean to say is, he relieved himself. He actually assaulted one of the officers with his walker. He rambled on about having a bunch of coupons in his glovebox to cover his bail. He was concerned that he might miss "The Price Is Right"; he told them he hasn't missed an episode in twenty nine years. I don't remember encountering someone quite this cranky trying to smuggle drugs into this country."

2006-08-10T02:17:00.000-05:00

Sports Shorts

2006-08-10T02:12:00.000-05:00

Sound the Clarett: Running Back Arrested, Signed By Raiders. Former Ohio State running back and current menace to society Maurice Clarett was charged with carrying a concealed weapon after a highway chase early Wednesday that ended with police using Mace on the former Buckeye standout and NFL flop. Clarett's vehicle was searched and four loaded guns were found, leading authorities to believe that Clarett was on his way to an NFL tryout. Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said. "He was stumbling and bumbling and rumbling. If we would have realized who he (Clarett)was earlier on in the struggle, we simply would have tackled him and ended it right there." As news of Clarett's arrest spread, the Oakland Raiders sprung into action, offering the full time outlaw a guaranteed three year contract. "Maurice has the potential to be a true Raidah." Said the formerly lucid Raiders owner Al Davis. "He's not there quite yet, but a few more arrests and he's going to go down as an all time great." Raiders coach Art Shell disagrees. "That boy has a ways to go to be mentioned in the same breath with my brothers. Ted Hendricks would've kept that car chase going till he ran out of gas and then he would've emptied his guns on them. And Tooz (Defensive End John Matuszak)would've made them shoot through that vest. Hell, you don't wear a perfectly good bullet proof vest unless you plan on getting shot!" This Bud's For Everybody Major League Commissioner Bud Selig has reversed fie

Reuters Withdraws Manipulated Hajj Images

2006-08-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

London- Reuters withdrew all 920 photographs by a freelance Lebanese photographer from its database on Monday after a review of his work showed that he may have altered images from the conflict between Israel and the armed group Hezbollah. Global Picture Editor Tom Szlukovenyi called the measure precautionary, but said the fact that the images by photographer Adnan Hajj might have been manipulated undermined trust in his entire body of work. "There is no graver breach of Reuters standards for our photographers than the detectable manipulation of an image," Szlukovenyi said in a statement. "Reuters has zero tolerance for its pictures being discovered as manipulated and constantly reminds its photographers, both staff and freelance, of this strict and unalterable policy." The news and information agency announced the decision in an advisory note to its photo service subscribers. The note also said Reuters had tightened editing procedures for manipulated photographs from the conflict and apologized for the case. Reuters ended its relationship with Hajj on Sunday after The Drudge Report discovered that a photograph he had taken of the aftermath of an Israeli air strike on suburban Beirut had been manipulated using Photoshop software to show more and darker smoke rising from buildings. An immediate enquiry began into Hajj's other work. It was all too easily established on Monday that a photograph of an Israeli F-16 fighter over Nabatiyeh, southern Lebanon and dated Aug 2, had also been doctored to increase the number of flares dropped by the plane from one to three. For Hajj, there would be no strike three. "The decision to sever Reuters relationship with Adnan Hajj was an easy one. It was clear to us that Hajj's work was wasn't up to our standards," Szlukovenyi said. "We wish Adnan the best of luck with his new freelance forged document service," added Szlukovenyi.

Dixie Chicks Schedule Yukon Leg Of North American Tour

2006-08-08T22:25:00.000-05:00

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Several concerts on the Dixie Chicks' "Total Accidents & False Accusations" tour have been canceled after slow ticket sales in the U.S., but the group says it has replaced them with other dates in Canada. Kansas City, Houston, St. Louis, Memphis and Knoxville are among 14 cities no longer on the original schedule released in May, according to a revised itinerary posted Thursday on the Dixie Chick's Web site. Other shows, including Nashville, Los Angeles, Denver and Phoenix, have been pushed back to later dates in hopes of better ticket sales, but will probebly also be canceled. The North American leg of the tour kicked off July 21 in Detroit. Billboard magazine and other trade publications have reported lackluster ticket sales in almost every city in the U.S. portion of the tour. Group spokeswoman Kathy Allmand said Monday that the total number of North American dates remains the same, with several Canadian cities added in place of the U.S. shows. The trio released a statement last week attributing the changes to attempts to "accommodate demand" and said more dates might be added next year. The group also said the adjustments will allow them to promote the new Dave Markey music documentary "Dixie Chicks: Shut The Fuck Up and Sing," for the Toronto International Film Festival in September. Markey, who directed 1991: The Year Punk Broke, filmed the Dixie Chicks' European tour through France. "We hope that our fans who were looking forward to a stop that is no longer on the tour will be able to join us in a nearby Canadian arena this fall, and we are sorry for any confusion or inconvenience these changes have caused," the Dixie Chicks said. Many country fans criticized the band after lead singer Natalie Maines told a London audience in 2003 on the eve of war in Iraq that the trio was "ashamed" President Bush was from their home state of Texas. County radio stations dropped them from their playlists and have been slow to welcome them back, despite strong foriegn sales of their latest album, "Taking the Long Way." The album, which has more of a rock edge than their previous releases, has sold more than 1 million copies in Europe.

Porn Industry Lacks Direction

2006-08-08T04:19:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD- Adult Video News, the porn industry's official trade publication, issued a press release Tuesday stating that "the adult film industry's future is in jeopardy due to lack of quality direction." The press release offered little explanation as to why the porn industry has found itself in such dire need of experienced directors, but industry insiders have their own opinions. "Today, any actor with a body of work and a pulse would kill to sit in the director's chair, but that's not the case in the adult film industry," said retired adult film actress Vicky Vette. "I think that today's porn stars would rather express themselves in front of the camera, and that's where the experience to direct adult movies comes from. You just can't direct adult film stars unless you've been one. How else does an actress appear to enjoy ejaculation in the face unless she gets her motivation from an experienced director?" added Vette. For the few in the industry who remember the golden age of porn (1971-1977), it is hard to bear witness to porn's present crisis. "Actors are left to interpret scenes entirely on their own, and the result is that the high standard of quality once found in adult film is suffering, and nobody gets off on poor quality," said Brett Rockman, president of Rocks-Off Entertainment, a Hollywood based adult film studio. "Today's adult movies are the most exploitative, shamelessly masturbatory male-empowerment fantasy ever committed to video," said Rockman. "I've never seen such utterly depraved filmmaking. I used to be proud of my work, but now the best adult production is just a pandering, lowest-common-denominator wank-fest. For the first time in my adult film making career I can honestly say that I'm ashamed of my work," added Rockman. Porn actors, once flushed out the other side of the industry by the ripe age of 29, are now working long into their 50's, and for some, directing would just be the first step toward a retirement they dread. "Let's face it. The day I give in and step behind the camera I might as well retire my penis too," said 53 year old porn actor, Rod Jeromy. Jeromy, ranked by Adult Video News as #1 in a list of the 50 greatest porn stars of all time, gained notoriety for his exceptionally long and thick penis, reported to be 9.75 inches (24.76 centimeters) and for being capable of autofellatio. "I'm sure I'd be a great adult film director, but it's the acting that I love. I'm an actor. I can't change who I am," said Jeromy.

2006-08-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

Philly Man Says Food Found In Dumpster "Not As Good As It Looked"

2006-08-07T03:25:00.000-05:00

PHILADELPHIA, PA- A Philadelphia man spent the night in an area hospital recovering from dehydration as the result of vomiting and uncontrolled defecation. Phil Navaro, of North Philadelphia, said the emesis began about one hour after eating the remains of a cheese steak he discovered in a dumpster outside of his apartment complex. "It was practically untouched...just nibbled on one end a little. I guess it wasn't as good as it looked. You never know about these things until it's too late," Navaro said while leaving the emergency room of Temple University Hospital. Navaro was released by hospital physicians after receiving two liters of IV fluid and a tetanus shot.

Top 50 Rejected Children's Book Titles

2006-08-07T02:12:00.000-05:00

1. You are Different and That’s Bad 2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me 3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’ 4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book: 6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. How to Kick Ass At School 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. Adoption: A Fresh Start 13. Grandpa's new Casket 14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way 19. Why You Were An Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan 23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid 24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments 25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School 26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry 29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool 30. If It Feels Good, Touch It! 31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet 32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road 33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid 34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt) 35. Bullies Have More Fun 36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love 37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend 38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy 39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place 40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer 41. I Am My Own Grandpa 42. Who’s My Daddy? 43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent 44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets 45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week 46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP 47. Little Hands, Big Toasters 48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet 49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You 50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink

Bush: "I'll Try Diplomacy"

2006-08-04T15:30:00.000-05:00

Kissing Baby One More Time

2006-08-04T08:50:00.000-05:00

NEWARK, N.J. -- The Newark Bears, a minor league baseball team, are hosting a Britney Spears Baby Safety Night to spread the message about keeping babies safe in vehicles. The event is named for the 24-year-old pop star who drew criticism when she was photographed with her baby son, Sean Nintendo Preston, sitting on her lap as she drove, and later, in a car seat facing forward rather than facing backward, which some safety regulations say is best.Fans attending Friday night's game will receive information on baby car seat safety and will automatically be entered into a raffle in which they could win Britney's baby. "Britney is bored with the baby. She thought it (the baby) would be able to do things on its own by now. It's hard enough for her with Kevin (Federline) not even being able to wipe (his own ass), she doesn't need more of the same. A giveaway is only as good as the parents though. So I urge Bears fans to attend only if they are ready for the responsibilities that come with parenting, please." Said a spokesperson for Ms. Spears. The Bears have promoted the free baby giveaway night with all the bells, whistles and strapless bras that would be expected when it comes to the ditzy blonde diva. Fans who dress as a baby get in free. Those who dress as a baby and soil their diapers win a dinner with Britney's husband and faux rapper Kevin Federline. And anyone willing to take a stab at singing on top of the dugout to one of Britney's songs will have the chance to impregnate Britney. Spears has defended her parenting skills and has cautioned against judging her. "I did it with my dad. I would sit on his lap and drive him home when he was drunk. And look at me, I turned out just fine." the Louisiana native said of the February incident.

2006-08-03T03:15:00.000-05:00

Hate Mail

2006-08-03T00:39:00.000-05:00

To whom it may concern, Recently you posted a story titled Israel vs. Hezbollah Big Winner In Nielsen Ratings. As a Jewish American I found your story to be very antisemitic. You described Hezbollah's leader as a "legend" and a "brilliant tactitian", while bashing the Israeli commander as "the most unsavory war villain since Slobodan Milosavic". This is totally outrageous and I demand a retraction and an apology. Sincerely, Daniel T. New York, NY Daniel, Have some Mandelbrot and shut the fuck up. PS. Have you read the New York Times lately? To the Editor, Yours is the most offensive and insensitive blog I've ever read. In the short time that I spent reading your stories I found racism, bigotry, homophobia, hate-speech and sexism. You should be ashamed. Dana P. Madison, WI Dana, Just to show we care, here is a link to a national organization of easily offended people. We hope it helps.

Gibson "Deeply Ashamed"

2006-08-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES, California- Actor and director Mel Gibson issued a statement on Saturday, apologizing to deputies for his "belligerent behavior" when he was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Malibu early Friday morning.

The routine movie star stop quickly developed into a situation where officers were forced to arrest the famous boozer. Upon being stopped, Gibson greeted officers with a middle finger salute, asked them if they cared to partake of his half empty bottle of tequila and staggered from the car singing the Ludacris song "Move Bitch". Gibson was issued a breathalyzer test and scored a (John) 3.16, well above the California legal limit of 0.08 The officers were set to let him go when they discovered a copy of the "Da Vinci Code" in the actor's backseat. The director of "The Passion" was detained immediately thereafter.

Gibson allegedly launched into a profanity laced tirade after he was arrested, hurling anti-Semitic and sexist statements at authorities. In his statment, Gibson maintained that he has "battled the disease of anti-semitism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse."

After being taken into custody, Gibson posted $5,000 bond for his release and was seen taking pictures and signing autographs for, as the actor put it, "non Jewish looking people, and fine looking bitches."

The police did not charge him with driving under the influence because under California law, an A-list movie star cannot officially be charged with that offense.

Gibson went on to acknowledge in his statement that he had been drinking Thursday night and that "I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. The book (Da Vinci Code) was not mine, I don't know how it got in my car. But I assure you, I've never read a single evil word from that Jew, Dan Brown. But as far as the drinking goes, I should not have been driving in my condition. I feel fortunate I was apprehended before I caused injury to someone. I would have felt horrible if I would have injured a Christian."

"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I would never have said outside of my own home or perhaps in a business meeting with trusted colleagues, or at a picnic with family. I am deeply ashamed that everything I said was plastered all across the internet."

He added: "Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. I was embarassed to find out not a single one of them is a Jew. I disgraced myself and my (soon to be ex-) wife and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry."

The incident most likely means the end of his "Lethal Weapon" series. The actor had been contemplating another turn as Seargent Martin Riggs, but his agent says that idea, like his client, is trashed. "Fans would have bought into an anti-Semitic cop just fine. But you tell me what department is going to lend us police cars after this."

Israel vs. Hezbollah Big Winner In Nielsen Ratings

2006-07-31T00:51:00.000-05:00

BEIRUT, Lebanon- Don't look now, but Israel vs. Hezbollah is "delivering the goods" where it counts -- the Nielsen ratings. Sources close to The 800lb. Gorilla have revealed that Israel vs. Hezbollah will be the surprise ratings winner when Nielsen Media Research publishes its monthly ratings report Tuesday. This comes as a surprise as the burgeoning conflict was rushed to the airwaves just three weeks ago -- one week into the ratings race for the month of July. "This war has delivered the goods," said Fawaz Gerges, a Mid-East expert and network news consultant. "On the surface it looks like any other Middle Eastern conflict, but once you get to know the players it grabs you and doesn't let go," said Gerges. Indeed. Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, Hezbollah's 46 year-old leader, is becoming the stuff of ledgends. Nasrallah shocked the world by calling Israel out, and after three weeks of tenacious fighting has proven himself to be a brilliant tactition. And then there's Major General Udi Adam, head of the Israeli military's Northern Command. Adam's heavy-handed tactics provide a steady diet of displaced refugees and wounded and dying Lebanese victims, and has made him the most unsavory war villain since Slobodan Milosavic. Even with a tired sub-plot of U.S. interventionism and Muslim outrage this story has teeth. Given Israel vs. Hezbollah's popularity, it would come as little surprise if U.S. vs. Al-Qaeda's plug was pulled in the near future. "The Iraq war is stale. It's like watching M.A.S.H. re-runs, but without Alan Alda's trademark 'sensitive male' humor," said Gerges. "I can't remember the last casualty being reported from Afghanistan, and who wants to see pictures of girls going to school for the first time anyway," added Gerges. There is rumor of a potential ratings rival for Israel vs. Hezbollah. "If U.S. vs. Iran ever begins production then all bets are off," said Gerges.

Jury: Yates Just Plain Nuts

2006-07-27T15:34:00.000-05:00

Andrea Yates. the housewife from Houston, Texas who charmed America five years ago when she drowned her children in a bathtub, was found not guilty of their murders by reason of insanity. In an ironic twist, immediately after the verdict was announced, every juror on the case was taken in for mental evaluation and all were declared completely insane. Yates, 42, looked positively insane as she heard the verdict on Wednesday, which came just three days after jurors began deliberating as to whether she was legally insane or just a downright evil bitch. Yates had confessed to drowning her five children in a bathtub back in 2001. Her jury found she had been suffering from severe postpartum depression and didn't know right from wrong at the time. It was also argued that she was haunted by the voice of Oprah Winfrey, commanding her to kill her children so she wouldn't be constantly interrupted when the Oprah Show came on. Rusty Yates, who lost all his children, said he hopes his former wife will finally get the help she needs."The jury was able to see past you know . . .what happened, look at why it happened and understand that Andrea was basically the most loving mother you will ever find . . . who just happened to, you know, drown her five children methodically and without remorse. Aside from that one act, or, okay, those five acts, she is the best mother I know." he told reporters. The decision means Yates will be committed to a mental hospital for treatment. She will have periodic hearings before a judge to determine when she is sane enough to be released. And then . . .another try at motherhood? Angelina and Brad Jolie, for one, were ecstatic to hear the Yates verdict. "I want her to carry my next child." Said Angelina, while traveling in Bongo. "This first child, who shall remain nameless, just did not work out for Brad and I. There is nothing wrong with ugly babies, just so long as they aren't mine. Andrea is a very ugly woman, so I think the reverse might work here. Brad better hope so." The idea of Andrea Yates as a surrogate mother might seem harsh to some, but the Jolies were more than willing to give the former mother another shot. "She made one mistake. We all make mistakes. This morning, I forgot to look at myself in the mirror. Are you going to lock me up for that? Just the other day, I forgot to lick the lint from between Angelina's toes. She reprimanded me, but she didn't lock me away for more than a few hours. I say give Andrea another shot. If she kills a few more kids, then maybe it's time to think about putting her away. Or at least making a movie about her life story."

Clinton Library To Hold 1st Annual Garage Sale

2006-07-27T01:26:00.000-05:00

LITTLE ROCK, AR- The William J. Clinton Presidential Library and Park has announced plans to hold an annual garage sale, the first of which will be held next Spring, to help ease the burden of its $200 million price tag. The sale, tentatively being touted as 'Crazy Billy's Everything-Must-Go Extravaganza and BBQ', was a last-resort option for the library. "When private donations fell short of our expected projections, and W. cut 'unnecessary federal funding' to help pay for his war, we knew drastic measures were going to be necessary," said Clinton Library Coordinator, Jessica Spanyol. The Clinton Library was designed to be a destination spot that would support itself over time, but the library's content, as well as its geographic location, may be the reason for its financial decline. "Initially, income from admissions and the gift shop were good, but the Blue Dress and Presidential Cigar exhibits weren't the attractions we hoped they would be," said Spanyol. "I suppose the library would be more popular if it were in a destination city, but Little Rock isn't exactly what I would call a destination city," Spanyol added. Spanyol seems confident that 'Crazy Billy's Everything-Must-Go Extravaganza and BBQ' is the answer to the Clinton Library's financial woes. "We've hired James Carville to manage the sale," said Spanyol. "I understand his Chinese contacts are very interested in the library's national security artifacts." Even the former president plans to role up his shirt sleeves for the occassion. "President Clinton will be there to meet and greet each and every patron, and sign copies of his autobiography My Life. He'll also be pulling double duty as both BBQ chef and judge of the wet t-shirt contest," said Spanyol.

2006-07-26T21:26:00.000-05:00

U.S. Takes The Silver In Iraq

2006-07-25T23:32:00.000-05:00

BAGHDAD- After more than three years of struggle in Iraq, U.S. military officials conceded a loss to Iraqi insurgents Thursday, but said America can be proud of finishing "a very strong second, which is a damned site better then we did in the World Cup." "We went out there, gave it our all, and fought a really good fight," said Gen. George W. Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq. "America's got nothing to be ashamed of. We outperformed Great Britain, Poland, and a lot of the other top-notch nations, but Iraq just wouldn't stay down for the count. It may have come down to them simply wanting it more." American tanks and infantry surged out to an impressive early lead in March 2003, scoring major points by capturing Baghdad early in the faceoff. The stage seemed set for a second American victory in as many clashes with Iraq, with commentators and generals alike declaring the contest all but decided with the fall of Tikrit in April 2003. "In spite of jumping out to an early lead and having the better-trained, better-equipped team, I'm afraid we still came up short in the end," Casey said. "Sometimes, the underdog just pulls one out on you. But there's no reason for the guys who were out in the field to feel any shame over this one. They played through pain and injury and never questioned the strategy, even when we started losing ground." Casey said that, although the U.S. military did not win, it did set records for kills, yardage gained, palaces overrun, defensive stops, and military bases stolen. The Americans can be proud of the numbers," Casey said. "All things considered, there was some very impressive maneuvering out there. We kept the folks at home on the edge of their seats, that's for sure." Loyal fans of the U.S. are still coming to terms with the loss, a rarity for an organization that won undisputed world championships in the '10s and '40s, but has not always played its best on hostile ground in recent years. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld refused to take questions from reporters, saying that "Monday-morning quarterbacking never solved anything. Injuries and a shallow bench were major factors," Rumsfeld said, speaking to angry team boosters in Washington. "We've lost about 75 guys every month for the past year. But remember that this was just one war," Rumsfeld added. "We'll get 'em next time."

2006-07-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

Gallup/Aljazeera Poll Reveals Mid-East 'Not OK' With U.S.

2006-07-25T17:51:00.000-05:00

DOHA, Qatar- A new Aljazeera poll reveals that 100% of people across the entire Mid-East region are 'not OK' with the United States and its foreign policy. Aljazeera, a news source which has been criticized by some in the U.S. for being 'less then objective', has teamed up with The Gallup Organization in an attempt to convince it's western readership that it too can be 'fair and balanced'. "The polling sample consisted of over 100 Arab men between the ages of 20 and 29 who were standing around outside of mosques and who come from areas with-in the region which were recently bombed or occupied by Israeli or American forces," said Aaron Freid of The Gallup Organization. "After considering the scientific, broad-based sampling criteria that Aljazeera used in collecting data for this poll, we believe it's safe to say it has a 0% margin of error," said Freid. The Bush Administration disagrees. "I think...tide turning...see, as I remember I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of...it's easy to see a tide turn...I think," said President Bush early Wednesday morning. "Lets don't fear the future, lets shape it. You never know what history is going to be like until long after you're gone." Bush added.

2006-07-25T17:38:00.000-05:00

Record Temps Leave Nation Overcooked

2006-07-17T12:22:00.000-05:00

A sweltering heat wave gripped most of the nation today, with high temperatures in the 90’s expected in nearly every state, and 100-degree heat predicted in many places in the Northeast and southern Plains states. Some states have banned citizens from wearing annoying t-shirts such as "Think Snow", while other states have placed moratoriums on activities such as walking or requiring medical attention. The Kansas City Royals baseball team decided to forfeit the entire week and take a team trip to Canada. The National Weather Agency has advised people to stay inside. "Stay in your house or go loiter at the mall. With the current state of the economy, I am sure the retail industry will appreciate the company. If you're homeless, then breaking and entering is certainly a justifiable measure." It also warned against keeping well behaved children as well as any pets in cars, even for a short time, citing how temperatures in a car with windows up can reach over 150 degrees, quickly resulting in heat stroke and death. "Unless you owned a Yugo, your body will not acclimate to that." The service said. Highs of over 90 degrees will prevail over almost all of the 48 contiguous states, with the exception of Michigan, where snow continues to paralyze the state as a result of the Detroit Tigers first place status. It is expected to be hottest in such "heathen" cities as Philadelphia and New York as the Christian coalition's spell appears to be working another summer worth of magic on the sin cities. On the East Coast, even the ocean will provide little relief. A searing west wind is expected to block cooling sea breezes from developing this afternoon, or to keep them pinned very close to the shore. That, coupled with plenty of pissed off sharks anxious to attack any AC hogging humans will keep many beachgoers poolside. Twenty one states had at least one location exceed 100 degrees yesterday, with California’s Death Valley the hottest at 126 degrees. One ringtail cat, one porcupine and two Western coral snakes were treated for heat prostration and carefully released. Californians prayed for the big one as temperatures in many parts of the state reached record highs.

Clowns Attack, Entertain

2006-07-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

Police in Seattle are on the lookout for members of a machete-wielding gang in angry clown make-up after a rampage of robbery and violence left nearly two dozen people injured while dozens more were treated for excessive helium inhalation in a park in western Washington state The group, who said they were "juggalos," devotees of the Detroit-based rap-metal group Insane Clown Posse, attacked, entertained, robbed and delighted visitors to Fort Steilacoom Park while shouting "Woo, woo, juggalo!" to each other, according to court documents. Prosecutors in Pierce County, south of Seattle, charged three people with assault, robbery and wacky mayhem last week, but police in the City of Lakewood said they are searching for another twenty five to thirty suspects who took part. They are believed to be driving a green and white polka dot colored Volkswagen Rabbit. According to police reports, some members of the gang wore black hooded sweatshirts or clown make-up and told victims they would "cut their heads off" with machetes. "They said it in such a way that we all had to laugh." Said Marge Rincon of Seattle. "There was actually a decapitation line, there was a sucker punch line. We thought it was all in fun." They stole cash, wallets and cell phones but did offer goodie bags and balloons twisted into animal shapes in return, according to reports. "We don't see too many attacks like this," said Lakewood police Lt. Dave Guttu. "It's kind of refreshing. I guess if you're going to assault someone, at least leave them laughing."

THINK BEFORE YOU BUY: AIRBAGS ARE NOT OPTIONAL

2006-07-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

MIKE TYSON WORD OF THE DAY

2006-07-16T12:55:00.000-05:00

BOLIVIAN: the condition or state of being forgotten or unknown. "After this fight, I might fade into bolivian."

Vandals Can't Find Spot

2006-07-13T18:58:00.000-05:00

Vandals attempted to deface one of Bay City, Michigan's most famous landmarks early Thursday morning. "The V" was erected several years ago to honor hometown girl Madonna, who was born in Bay City. The monument is a lifesize adaptation of the pop star/diva's vibrator. "They took a blow torch to it, sledgehammers, you name it. It's got a few nicks in it, but no real harm done. It was built to the same specs as the real thing." Said officer Hugh McLaine. Fans of the pop star were understandably upset over the incident. "Why would anyone want to mess with something as holy as this?" Asked Holly Weintraub. Others were angry. "Whoever did this was a real dick. An even bigger dick than the dick they tried taking down." Rachel Harding said.

Free Psalm in Every Bar!

2006-07-13T18:38:00.000-05:00

Walmart's New Promise: Lower Death Counts

2006-07-13T14:55:00.000-05:00

Wal-Mart, the world's biggest retailer, said on Thursday it has eased its hard-line policy on shoplifting and is no longer shooting first-time thieves caught stealing goods worth under $25. Wal-Mart spokesman John Simley said the change in policy would allow the retailer to focus on larger thefts and organized crime, which account for the bulk of merchandise stolen every year."If someone is a repeat offender or is violent or wears a t-shirt with a competitor's logo into the store, we will take him out." said Simley."But we need to focus our resources on organized theft. To be frank, we have more internal shrinkage than a cemetary. If we shot every single employee who ripped us off, we wouldn't be a giant corporation, we'd be a small business. Wal-Mart has always defended its use of deadly force with shoplifters, saying it helped hold down prices and created a sense of excitement for its shoppers. "The idea that you can come into one of our stores and save a few bucks and possibly see someone get shot down in cold blood is what sets us apart." said Simley. The company confirmed the policy shift after The New York Times cited internal documents saying the company would no longer institute their shoot to kill policy for first-time thieves unless they were 18 to 65 years old and stole merchandise worth at least $25, instead of a previous .50 cent limit. The newspaper said this would also placate small-town police departments across the United States, who have protested what the company has called its zero-tolerance policy on shoplifting. "The police find our policy burdensome and embarassing. It's a lot of police tape and paperwork. And let's face it. When a zit faced kid with a GED who makes eight bucks an hour can drop a suspect with one shot, it makes the guys in uniform a little self conscious."

Headline Vs Headline

2006-07-12T11:34:00.000-05:00

New York Times: U.S. To Negotiate Russian Storage Of Atomic Waste New York Post: NYPD JEW- City hires first Hasidic cop All headlines are real. No alterations have been made.

The Amerikun Educashional Cistem

2006-07-12T11:02:00.000-05:00

Major League Baseball Returns to Pittsburgh

2006-07-12T08:27:00.000-05:00

The American League rallied late for a 3-2 victory over their senior circuit counterparts in the All Star Game last night, stretching their dominance over the NL to a full decade. Not since Monica Lewinsky's mouth became famous has the AL lost an All Star Game. This All Star game offered great defense, clutch hitting and sterling pitching performances which left most fans heading for the exits early on. "Two home runs? For an entire game? Maybe per inning, okay. Pitching and defense is fine for soccer but that's not the way I take my baseball, sorry. This ain't the World Cup." Said college student Glenn McNaugh. Michael Young of the Texas Rangers knocked in two runs with a two out triple in the ninth off San Diego reliever Trevor Hoffman to put the AL ahead to stay."That kid is no fag." Said AL manager Ozzie Guillen, referring to Young. The White Sox manager came under fire earlier in the season when he called a Chicago sportswriter "a fag" and was ordered to undergo sensitivity training as punishment. Guillen showed the fruits of that labor by adding."I'm sure there are plenty of fags who can hit the ball like that, so don't get me wrong." The American League victory in the All Star Game gives the junior circuit home field advantage in the World Series. Each AL player was awarded one night with Anna Benson-wife of Orioles pitcher Kris Benson-as well. Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez was glad to be on the winning side for a different reason altogether. "That winners share is going to come in handy. I was sweating my mortgage payment. Things are tight, you know."

Italy Rules World with 1-1 Victory

2006-07-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

Italy won the World Cup of soccer on Sunday afternoon in a rousing 1-1 tie. With seven shots on goal, the final lived up to its promise of being an offensive explosion. Francois Mitterand located the Italian net early in the first half to give the French a seemingly insurmountable 1-0 lead. But the Italians came storming back in the second half with an offensive display of their own. Benny Mussolini tied things up at 1-1 with his first goal since 2002, tying him with five other players for most goals scored in this World Cup tournament. A bizarre scoreless drought sent the game into overtime; which, under European rules allows for two fifteen minute periods to be played in order to allow for maximum alcohol consumption for its fans. Amazingly, neither team was able to reach the opposing goal. There were several close calls, such as when Italian winger Salvatore Bellomo kicked the ball into French territory in the first overtime and when the French power forward Jerry Lewis waved to the Italian goalkeeper at the end of the second fifteen minute overtime period. The shootout tested the scorekeeper's mettle, as both teams filled the net. Finally, with the shootout score standing at 4-3, Guido Sarducci snuck one by the French goalkeeper Claude Monet and the riot was on.

World Cup Slogans

2006-07-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

Chicks Dig The Corner Kick A Perfect Game Every Time! Leave Your Score Tactics At The Door Where Keeping Score Is A Breeze Best Bathroom Break Sport Known To Man Come See How Voluptuous 0 0 Can Be Take The Under! Streakers Welcome Specializing In Goal Conservation For 76 Years Zeros Heroes

Dear Gorilla Guys Vol. IV

2006-07-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

Dear GG, I am currently living with a man of Middle Eastern decent. He is a kind, sweet man but I have noticed his lifestyle is quite suspect. He gets calls at all hours of the night, disappears for days at a time and refers to our government as a bunch of “infidels”. What should I do? Sleeping with the enemy(?) Dear Sleeping, We passed your information along to the proper authorities who are presently sending an airmail surprise to your friend. If you’re reading this from your home PC, heads up.

Quid Pro Quotes

2006-07-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them." - George Bush, former U.S. President

Enron Founder Avoids Prison

2006-07-06T09:03:00.000-05:00

Kenneth L. Lay, the former chairman and chief executive of Enron who was convicted of fraud and conspiracy in the giant energy company's collapse, caught yet another break when he collapsed and died of a heart attack in his Aspen, Colorado home early Wednesday morning. Mr. Lay was 64, despite telling regulators he was 59, employees he was 55 and investors he was 50. A spokeswoman for the Lay family, Kelly L. Kimberly, confirmed reports of Mr. Lay's death but, naturally, declined to discuss specifics. In a prepared statement, Ms. Kimberly said: "Ken Lay passed away early this morning in Aspen. The Lays have family with whom they need to communicate. It’s a healthy size American family. It’s actually a huge family. Very big, very significant . . . lots of people we have to reach out to. We don’t really want or need to go into the numbers right now, out of respect for the family. We will release further details at the end of the third quarter . . . umm, I mean at a later time.” Mr. Lay was convicted in May on six counts of fraud and conspiracy, four counts of bank fraud and one count of excessive end zone celebration at Enron Field. Each count carried a maximum sentence of 5 to 10 years and all but guaranteed that Lay would have been facing a lifetime of free prostate exams in prison. Lay came to be known as the Al Capone of financial crimes. Along with his successor, Jeffrey K. Skilling, Lay symbolized the corporate excess and greed of the 1990’s. Despite this, Lay maintained his innocence. He pointed to the fact Skilling was charged with insider trading while he was not. He also maintained that Andrew S. Fastow, the company’s former chief financial officer bore most of the responsibility for what went wrong at the company. Lay also placed blame at the doorstep of Mark Fuhrmann, Bill O’Reilly and a mysterious one armed man. On the day of his conviction, he denied having ever done anything improper during his tenure at Enron. "I believe that God is in control, and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the Lord. Even if the person loving the Lord only claims to love the Lord in order to get out from under a holy mess." he said outside the courthouse in Houston after the verdict. It was apparent that Lay had forgiven God by this point in his life. Back in the heyday of the Enron Empire, Lay was rebuffed by the Catholic Church when he attempted to purchase the pearly gates. At the trial, Mr. Lay defended himself as prosecutors tried to embarrass him by pointing to his lavish lifestyle. Among the damning evidence presented: Lay’s one million dollar stretch Ferrari which was used once a day, to pick up mail at the end of his driveway. Full service walk in closets, complete with fashion designers and OnStar navigational systems. An Olympic sized pool which was filled with Evian water daily. Guest mansions for all of Lay’s overnight visitors. And a $200,000 cruise with his wife months before the company collapsed.

Mickey Mouse Elected President of Mexico

2006-07-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

A mouse will be following a fox into office in one of the biggest political upsets since Sonny Bono decided to marry Cher. Buoyed by a wave of outgoing Mexican voters, Mr. Mouse claimed his first ever victory in a Presidential election. Donald Duck, the spokesman for Mr. Mouse, lashed out at those who doubted the resilient rodent's political punch. "$%#* anyone who thought it couldn't be done! *$%# all the people who thought the jokes about Mickey winning an election were humorous. For almost a century, Mr. Mouse has listened to this bull%$*# idea that only drunks or stupid people would ever vote for him. And no matter that they are Mexicans fleeing the country with no real stakes in the outcome. It still counts, so $%#@ anyone who tries to take it away from us!" The final tally will not be available until at least May of 2012-two months before the next national election in the country-but Mickey had such a commanding lead it seemed that a recount would not be necessary. The previous high-water mark for Mickey before Sunday’s victory came in the 1980 US Presidential election. In that one, Mickey got twenty one percent of the vote, trouncing third party candidate John Anderson and coming within a little brother in Florida of embarrassing incumbent candidate Jimmy Carter. Mickey Mouse’s serious run in 1980 was followed by more than two decades of disappointments as more and more Americans showed up to the polls sober. But Mickey did lay the groundwork for many Mickey Mouse campaigns to follow; namely those of Jesse Jackson and the Reverend Al Sharpton. The Bush administration plans on working closely with the new President and Mr. Bush mentioned Mickey’s victory in a press conference this morning. “I would like to congratulate Mickey Mouse on his victory and I would like to invite Mr. Mouse to the White House. Hey, that rhymed! Anyways, I hope that Mr. Mouse . . . sorry, it’s just so weird saying Mr. Mouse now. I’ll never look at my underwear the same way again. As I was saying before I interrupted myself, I hope Mr. Mouse comes to town. And I double hope he invites me to Disney World.”

Wine is fine, and probably a better idea

2006-07-04T15:25:00.000-05:00

Fine Print Personals

2006-07-03T15:03:00.000-05:00

Vivacious (violent) Gal Seeks Fun (rich) Guy I can’t believe I am resorting to this! I am so desperate. What to say about me? I have a wealth of experience to share with someone. I just got my AARP Card. I am looking for a man who is emotionally available. I am looking for someone who can handle a woman with ADD and possible bi-polar condition. I love taking care of my man. Once I have emotionally neutered him. Some of my likes. Aside from making your life a living hell. I love going out. I love getting drunk. I love dancing. I love getting really drunk. I love meeting new people. I love getting nailed in the men’s room after getting really drunk. I want to find my soulmate. Someone who doesn’t mind bailing me out of prison. And if you are into head games, stay away! That’s MY department!

Headline vs Headline

2006-07-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

New York Times: NO DEAL CLOSE IN N.J. GOV'T SHUTDOWN New York Post: CORZINE TO ASSEMBLY LEADERS: SCREW YOU!

Crack Is Found In Shuttle

2006-07-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla., July 3 —Several astronauts were detained and the space shuttle Discovery was swept for illegal drugs this morning after an erroneous report was intercepted by local authorities. “It was a misunderstanding. The local police heard about crack on the shuttle and they jumped to it. If they’d acted that quickly when I called about a mysterious noise coming from my garage, maybe I’d still have my Beamer.” Spokesman George Diller said today at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration's Kennedy Space Center, referring to the crack. The crack in question was found in the foam insulation of the space shuttle Discovery’s external fuel tank early today. NASA managers are meeting to determine whether it will affect a planned liftoff Tuesday afternoon. This would be the third scrapped launch if the shuttle is docked. Inclement weather over the weekend led to one cancellation and last week’s flight was nixed when John Travolta needed the air space to entertain friends on his private jet. The DEA was on the scene soon after being alerted of possible contraband on the shuttle, having misinterpreted the report. “We received a call regarding crack cocaine on the shuttle. It was the call of a lifetime, until we found out it wasn’t true. I was so ready to bust ass on some astronauts.” Said agent Michael Woosley. Diller was asked if the shuttle was safe for liftoff tomorrow. "If you want me to tell you it’s safe I will. It’s not my ass inside that hunk of metal. If you are telling me I have to fly in that thing, I say it’s not safe. Cool?”

Today's Birthday

2006-07-02T14:38:00.000-05:00

You might dream of being totally at ease with others socially, but it ain't happening today. It's your birthday, so your in-laws are going to make things as unbearable as possible for you. Consider this your opportunity to let loose and get back.Your pathetic financial situation makes this a perfect time to sleep with your spouse's attractive relative. After all, you can't get blood from a stone!

2006-07-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

Olympics To Take "Dump" In 2008

2006-07-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

GREECE- The IOC has announced it will be introducing Dumpster Diving as an Olympic event beginning in 2008. Outside of power shoplifting and meth addiction , dumpster diving is the fastest growing sport in America. It will begin its test run at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China. "It's a sport with such diversity, we're really excited about the prospects of this new venture." Said James Olander, a committee member. "It incorporates the sport of "skip diving", as it's known in most parts of the world with the hobby of frugality. And it is an environmentally and socially conscious way of life." Dumpster diving has been around since the dawn of civilization. But only in the latter part of the last century has it become attractive to those who were not completely destitute or homeless. Today, the sport is enjoyed by soccer moms and well heeled professionals alike. "It sure beats the hell out of shopping at IKEA!" Says Marge Randolph of Columbus, Ohio. "And you should see some of the recipes I've come up with." Dean Scarle of Middlebury, Connecticut doesn't exactly strike the pose of someone you'd likely find inside a dumpster. The 39 year old business executive doesn't allow his six figure salary to stand in the way of some good, dirty fun. "I love taking the kids on dumpster road trips. We love to hit New York since I work there and I know more or less where the fishing is good." His favorite "fishing" spot? "Canarsie, that's where I got my IPOD, almost brand new. With all the stuff we've collected, it's hard to walk past a homeless person and feel anything but envy." Olander believes the sport is ready for prime time. "I firmly believe this sport is going to explode over the next few years. What with ESPN showcasing it next year and a movie coming in the fall of 2007 (Margot Kidder and Nick Nolte are slated to star), it's going to be gangbusters by '08. Like the saying goes, one man's trash is another man's treasure."

Why America Needs The World Cup

2006-07-01T10:37:00.000-05:00

MIKE TYSON DICKSHUNARY

2006-07-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

BURGERIZE: To break into and steal from a fast food restaurant.

Phils Fire Manuel, Dig Up New Manager

2006-06-30T17:26:00.000-05:00

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Charlie Manuel today and replaced him with former Phillies skipper Gene Mauch. The move came as no surprise to the local media or to fans of the club; despite the fact the new manager has been dead for almost a year. "The fact that Gene is dead should not in any way color one's opinion of the job he can do here. We never held it against Charlie, after all." General Manager Pat Gillick said. "This is a lateral move, not a step in the right direction, if you ask me." Said sports sage Howard Eskin despite the fact no one had asked him. "We're trading one brain dead manager for another. If we were going to do that, I would have at least gone for Billy Martin. Billy won a title in his time." Gillick answered the criticism by tele-conference. "We did in fact inquire as the availability of Billy Martin. But the Yankees were not willing to engage in a discussion about his exhumation at this time and we didn't feel we could wait. I have the utmost confidence that our players will be as unresponsive to Gene as they were to Charlie."

Rejected Book Titles

2006-06-30T15:39:00.001-05:00

"Adultery for Dummies" "The South Park Diet" "Pocket Pool In Five Easy Steps" "Kama Sutra for Kindergartners" "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Serial Killers"

Thousands Die In Some 3rd-World Asian Country Somewhere

2006-06-29T23:18:00.000-05:00

SOMEWHERE IN ASIAN PACIFIC- Thousands of 'yellowish-brown people' are missing or presumed dead someplace in the Asian Pacific today as a result of earthquakes, mudslides, tsunamis or something. "I lost my flip-flops," said an Asian lady that also could have been Indian. "But at least we were able to ride our hut roof to dry land," she added. Many were not as fortunate. "It all happened so quickly," said a dark-skinned man in tattered clothing. "My entire family is missing. I don't know what happened to them," he said as he picked up the twigs that were probably his home. The U.S. was the first nation on the ground to provide aid. "We were in the neighborhood. It's the least we can do," said Admiral Bucky White of the U.S. Navy's Pacific Fleet Command. "Now I have to get the Marines to stop killing these people long enough to provide them with the humanitarian aid they so desperately need." "These people need food, clothing and shelter, everything that they needed before the disaster," said a relief worker. "Maybe John Mellencamp can put on a 'AsiaAid' concert or something," he added.

Leaked Hillary '08 Slogans

2006-06-29T23:04:00.000-05:00

10. "Let America Be Mine Again" 9. "The Better Man for a Better America" 8. "Don't Stop Thinking About Tommorow...Again" 7. "Are you better off than you were sixteen years ago?" 6. "The Only Candidate With Presidential Experience" 5. "Of The Two Candidates, I've Got The Balls" 4. "Vote For Me Or I'll Send Bill To Bed Your Wives And Daughters" 3. "Vote Yourself A Broad" 2. "She Did It Before And She Can Do It Again" 1. "I Like Dyke!"

More Americans Going for Second (Hand Smoke)Helping

2006-06-29T15:56:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK, NY- It’s been three years since Curtis Maher broke the “habit”, and not a day goes by when he doesn’t have the urge to jump back in. “I dream about it. I think about it most every time I finish a good meal or have a rough day at work.” Maher is part of a growing number of Americans addicted to second hand smoke. While no official numbers are available, it is believed that anywhere between 50,000 and 100,000 people a year become second hand smokers. Maher considers himself one of the lucky ones. “I know plenty of people who have not been so lucky.” Indeed, more than 100,000 people succumb to the various ailments associated with second hand smoke annually. While most are not willing participants, more and more Americans are. “It’s a rapidly growing segment of society. People don’t have to commit so much time and energy to second hand smoking. They don’t have the social stigma attached to smokers either. And the biggest pull is it’s a free habit.” Says Jim Brice, a Cardio-Pulmonary specialist at Johns Hopkins. That fact has many tobacco company executives scratching their heads as they attempt to tap into an un-harvested market. Phillip Morris is set to unveil a new product, tobacco incense. “We have several sprays in various stages of testing. And colognes, body washes, shampoos. It’s all open for discussion.” Says Phil Jackson who heads up product development for Phillip Morris. “We want to give the second hand smoker the opportunity to enjoy the lingering and oftentimes harmful effects of second hand smoke without having to go out to a bar or hang out with their smoking co-workers at break.” Still, second hand smokers such as Maher believe their habit is hard to break as it is. “We’re exposed to it every minute of every day. It’s not so easy to break a habit you don’t actually have.”

Supreme Court Decision Spawns New Trends In Flags

2006-06-29T02:31:00.000-05:00

CHARLOTTE, NC- The U.S. Supreme Court's decision on Tuesday to uphold a 1973 decision to protect flag burning as a legitimate form of free speech has spawned new trends in the flag making industry. "We're expecting flag sales to go through the roof, but it's not just about the money to us," said Andy Cooper. Cooper is the owner of Die-For-Tie-Dyed, a Charlotte based t-shirt company that makes amongst other things, flags. "We now make a flag that's 100% organic, specifically for burning, that is completely safe for the environment and smoke free. We call it Flags-2-Flames," said Cooper. Another trend that seems to growing in popularity has its roots south of the border. Thomas Lightfoot, a Viet Nam era draft dodger turned Mexican industrial hemp tycoon, has been burning flags made from cannabis for nearly thirty years that he calls 'Old (blaze of) Glory'. "I do it for my own personal enjoyment," says Lightfoot, "but now I see an opening in the fact that hemp is gaining in popularity all over the world, and who doesn't want to burn the American flag nowadays?" There were only four reported incidents of people burning the flag here in the U.S. in 2005. That number is expected to be exceeded by ten times that amount for 2006, and with the 2008 Presidential election just around the corner it looks like a great time to be a flag manufacturer.

Dear Gorilla Guys Vol. III

2006-06-29T01:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Gorilla Guys, After I dated an older man, I gained a bad reputation among some lower-level, gossipy co-workers at my job, even though I tried to keep it quiet and even denied it. Now I've started a friendship with an older man at the company where I work. Although we are just friends, these co-workers think there is something more and are spreading gossip, saying that we are having an affair. I fear that I'm in danger of losing my position. Please, what should I do? Desperate in Detroit Dear Desperate, Stop being a whore at work. After all, that's what PTA is for. -------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Gorilla Guys, Over the last three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline." (In other words, "spanking.") Not only did Hazel go to meet this man in person, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!Hazel keeps pressing for us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior. Can our relationship be salvaged? Prude in Providence Dear Prude, Are you so afraid of a little spanking that your willing to end a 15 year friendship? I say let go of your inhibitions and hook up with 'Hazel' and her hubby. Besides, I'd be willing to bet that your husband has already had his ass fanned by your friend anyway.

FIFA: "East Coast Storms A Sign From God"

2006-06-28T15:54:00.000-05:00

Rivers along the East Coast swelled as storms continue to blanket the region in what officials from FIFA, soccer's governing body, are calling a"Sign from God.". "The (World Cup) ratings are abysmal in the US. The American people would rather waste their time watching baseball, or basketball, or reality shows, or infomercials, or Barry Manilow On Demand. Well....God has spoken back to them!" Declared Marcel Blanc, a French member of the FIFA fiefdom. The storm system that battered the mid-Atlantic states before moving North has caused massive flooding across the region. Thousands of people have been forced to flee their homes while many roads and commuter train lines have been shut down. When told of the FIFA claim, Ed Landis of West Chester was enraged. Landis' home has suffered more than $50,000 in damage as a result of the storm. "If they're trying to tell me that watching soccer would have prevented this, screw them! I'd rather pay out of my own pocket than watch a 0-0 tie." Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell took time off from discussing the Eagles on his WIP radio segment to declare a disaster emergency in 46 counties. He signed an executive order this morning which will temporarily move the Eagles training facility to New Orleans until the flooding subsides. "No such measures are being taken for the Phillies. When they learn how to pull off a successful hit and run, then we'll dredge them out of the Delaware River." Former US soccer star Alexei Lalas agrees with the apocalyptic FIFA Fo-Fum pronouncement. "They have something here. Soccer is not a game, it's a religion. The American people cannot expect to come away from nature's fury unscathed if they are going to have an atheistic attitude when it comes to football." Homeland Security officials detained Lalas shortly after those comments were made and are holding him in an undisclosed location.

SAME DIFFERENCE HEADLINES

2006-06-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

CHINA ATTEMPTS TO CLAMP DOWN ON MEDIA and... PARIS HILTON STILL A SLUT

WORD OF THE DAY

2006-06-28T15:16:00.000-05:00

DATELINER: Used to describe a pervert who targets underage girls. Oftentimes clueless as to what is on television.

Mondale To Kim Jong Il: Dismantle Your Dong...Or Else

2006-06-28T02:10:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON- Former Vice President Walter Mondale joined the list of people supporting a pre-emptive U.S. strike against the North Korean Taepo dong-2 (missile). Mondale said on WCCO-AM on Friday that the United States should tell North Korea to dismantle the dong -- and if it doesn't "We are going to take it out, and then we'll see whose is bigger." The missile would be hard to hit because "Like most Korean dongs, it is very small," said Mondale, who's also a former U.S. ambassador to Japan. "They better just learn to keep it in their pants like the Japanese," he added. Mondale, 78, said North Korea already has nuclear weapons, and its ambition to develop a long-range dong is "one of the most dangerous developments in recent history." It's so dangerous, he said, because of the nation's isolation from the international community and its unpredictable leader, Kim Jong Il, and his fascination with dongs. "It is the danger of our time," he said. "Here's this bizarre, hermit kingdom over there with a paranoid and horny little leader getting ready to test a dong that can reach us." The tensions are over North Korea's apparent preparations to test-fire a Taepo dong-2 (missile), which is believed to have a range of up to 9,300 miles. That would make it capable of finding it's way into many U.S. housewive's underware drawers.

2006-06-28T01:40:00.000-05:00

You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Fluff

2006-06-28T01:06:00.000-05:00

BOSTON- It's creamy, it's sweet and it's become a staple of lunch boxes for generations of kids. Now, the beloved Fluffernutter sandwich, the irresistible combination of Marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter, preferably on white bread with a glass of milk handy, finds itself at the center of a sticky political debate. Sen. Jarrett Barrios was outraged that his son Nathaniel, a third-grader, was given a Fluffernutter sandwich at the King Open School in Cambridge. He said he plans to file legislation that would ban schools from offering the local delicacy more than once a week as the main meal of the day. The Democrat said that his amendment to a bill on junk food in schools may seem 'a little silly', but that school nutrition is serious. His proposal seemed anything but silly to Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein, also a Democrat whose district in Revere is near the company that has produced the marshmallow concoction for more than 80 years, Durkee-Mower Inc. She responded with a proposal to kill Sen. Barrios and designate the Fluffernutter the 'official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.' 'I'm going to fight to the death for Fluff,' Reinstein said. An aide to Barrios insisted the Senator is not anti-Fluff and even plans to co-sponsor Reinstein's bill, although he still believes schools should cut back on Fluffernutters. 'He loves Fluff as much as the next legislator,' aide Colin Durrant said. Fluff has a long history in Massachusetts. The treat was popularized by H. Allen Durkee and Fred L. Mower, who cooked up the concoction as they searched for new and exciting foods for the Kennedy's to enjoy during kinky sex. "I just love Fluff," said Sen. Ted Kennedy. "I don't know of tastier treat that's as sticky or waterproof."

Algore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' Is Make-Out Movie Of The Summer

2006-06-27T23:46:00.000-05:00

'An Inconvenient Truth', former Vice President Al Gore’s cautionary film about global warming, has become the number one make-out movie of the summer. According to make-out artists from around the country, if your looking to score, it doesn’t get better than 'An Inconvenient Truth'. The Gore documentary’s emergence as the super sexy make-out film of the summer may seem counterintuitive at first, but according to Joe DeLuca from Philladelphia, “When a girl sees all of those computer-generated images of the polar ice caps melting, it puts her in a very vulnerable mood,” says DeLuca. “That’s when I whisper into her ear, ‘Al Gore may say that the world is ending, but baby, we’ve still got tonight.' Dude, it’s like Colt 45 -- it works every time.” Scores of men say they have taken many different women to 'An Inconvenient Truth' and will continue to do so as long as the film is in theaters. “I haven’t seen this much action since ‘Dirty Dancing,’” said Frankie McClinty from Hoboken, N.J. “Every time I make out with a broad, I’m like, 'Thank you, Al Gore.'” 'An Inconvenient Turth' will wrap up its theatrical run some time this summer, but many men are eagerly awaiting the release of the film’s DVD. “It’s going to have lots of never-before-seen material,” said Tyrone Washington from Wilmington, DE. “Man, that’s bound to be some freaky shit.”

2006-06-27T22:08:00.000-05:00

Attention Deficit Disorder News Vol. III

2006-06-27T20:32:00.000-05:00

CLAY AIKEN SHOCKER: HE’S STRAIGHT! Former American Idol contestant Clay Aiken has set the record straight. Literally. Aiken announced he will not be following in the footsteps of such entertainers as Elton John, George Michael and Ricky Martin. “I am not gay.” Aiken declared. “I think people were under the misconception that I was gay because I had a girlfriend in Canada, I was always dressed well, am very meticulous, love show tunes, own a few cats, wear jean shorts, use Nair, go to a tanning salon, hate sports, watch Anderson Cooper religiously, admire Boy George, have a poster of Brad Pitt in my bedroom. But it’s not true. Pinky promise.” Aiken told reporters he was engaged. “It’s going to be a trying time for us with my fall tour coming up. Steve Perry was so right about the road being a tough place for love. Aside from being adorable, he is so smart.” Aiken would not divulge the name of his fiancé but did say she lives in Newfoundland. FIRST ANNUAL FOX NEWS BEAUTY PAGEANT SLATED FOR JULY In the never ending network battle to procure the most bodacious broadcasters available, Fox News will conduct a pageant over the July 4th holiday. The winning contestant will receive a one year contract with Fox News as well as free Botox injections and breast implants for a year. “News today is all about people. Good looking people.” Said Fox News President Roger Ailes “When you turn on your television set, it’s fine if you’re able to trust the person delivering the news to you. But wouldn’t it be that much better if you could become aroused by the person delivering the news to you? The world today is so morbid and hopeless. I want my viewers to be able to turn off their sets with a smile on their face. If they can do that, then I’ve done my job.” Geraldo Rivera will host the first annual Beauty Pageant while Greta Van Susteren will give live updates on the search for Natalie Holloway from Aruba. TOM CRUISE HOSPITALIZED Mega action star and Scientology kook Tom Cruise was hospitalized this morning after relatives broke the tragic news that he was in fact human. “Tom took it really hard. He was under the impression that he’d come to earth through a Play-Doh set and had been molded and baked and crafted into this mega star semi-earthling. I haven’t been this freaked out since my second wife told me she really loved me.” Said close friend Steven Spielberg.

The Gorilla Guys Gun Review: Budd Dwyer's Smith & Wesson Model 19 .357 Magnum

2006-06-27T04:02:00.000-05:00

R. Budd Dwyer was an American politician who served as a member of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives from 1965 to 1970, the Pennsylvania Senate from 1970 to 1980, and as state treasurer from 1980 until his nationally televised suicide on January 22nd, 1987. Dwyer was convicted of stealing from the state treasury and faced a sentence of 55 years in prison and a $300,000 fine. On January 22, 1987, the day before his sentencing, Dwyer called a press conference to "provide an update on the situation." Many expected Dwyer to announce his resignation from office. However, instead of resigning Dwyer professed his innocence, pulled out a S&W Model 19 .357 Magnum from a large manila envelope and blew his brains out. Not only did the S&W Model 19 work flawlessly, it also looked beautiful as Dwyer pulled it out of it's hiding place and presented it to the cameras. In it's deep blue finish, done only the way Smith & Wesson could, one could see one's reflection. As Budd cocked the hammer he must have appreciated the silky smooth action, which no one has been able to duplicate on any other line of double-action sixguns. I'm sure the crisp let-off of the trigger even surprised Budd himself. R. Budd Dwyer certainly knew how to go out in style. Bravo, Budd. The S&W Model 19 .357 Magnum is a classic American sixgun from a by-gone era, but one whose quality shall never be surpassed.

Urban and Kidman "still in love" as couple begins honeymoon

2006-06-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

SYDNEY, Australia - Australia's hottest celebrity couple, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban departed Sydney on Monday to begin their six month honeymoon. Not since Paul Hogan married the chick he was bedding on the set of Crocodile Dundee has the "Land Down Under" been able to boast of a celeb coupling. As they boarded the plane, Kidman, 39, appeared sedated in her black and white dress topped with a black cardigan; while the 38 year old country music star wore jeans and a light blue T-shirt which read "Save a horse, ride a cowboy!". The couple have been tight lipped about their immediate post-wedding plans, but close friends hinted on Fiji or Tahiti. The actress was quick to quash a rumor that the first stop was a rehab-center for Urban- a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Kidman believed the rumor was started by ex-beau Tom Cruise. "That little creep cannot stand the fact that Keith shoots Scientologists (on his 25,000 acre Tennessee ranch)!" Kidman said. The pretentious couple exchanged tearful, exhaustingly dramatic vows by the light of 1,000 candles at a small chapel overlooking Sydney's iconic Manly beach. The ceremony went off without a hitch, almost. One of the guests- talk show host Larry King- began blowing out the candles and singing Happy Birthday to himself. The episode was quelled when a zookeeper on hand from the Sydney Zoo shot King with a tranquilizer gun. The beaming bride wore a flowing white Balenciaga gown and pearl drop earrings; the outfit estimated to cost more than the entire GDP of their honeymoon spot. Urban wore a black suit with a white rose in his lapel matching a bouquet clutched by Kidman; as well as several pins supporting the NRA, POW MIA's and Beef Jerky Preservation. The couple followed a fairly traditional script with their vows, according to The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper, each promising to love and honor the other "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, not forsaking the other until their fame becomes too much for the other to stand any longer." After the wedding Urban serenaded Kidman with an acoustic rendition of his song, "Making Memories of Us," and then yelled, "Now it's time 'fer me to git r done!" "Everyone was sitting round at their tables and drinking heavily and hoping like hell someone else would leave first and he just walked up onto the stage unannounced and pulled out his guitar and sang that gay song. That's when I decided to be the first to leave." Punk pugilist/Actor Russell Crowe told the Nine network on Monday morning. This will be Urban's first failed marriage while Kidman will be working on her second. After the honeymoon, the couple plans on setting up home in Nashville, Tennessee. Plans are in the works for a spring 2008 divorce.

Dear Gorilla Guys Vol. II

2006-06-26T11:05:00.000-05:00

Dear gorilla guys, I am thirty five years old and still not married. My friends all tell me I am a “great catch”. Well, if that is indeed the case, why am I alone? Do you have any advice for a modern day “spinster”? Mateless In Missouri Dear Mateless, It sounds like your friends are just trying to make you feel better by blowing smoke up your ass. Or maybe your unattractiveness makes them feel better about themselves. Or have you considered the possibility that maybe you’re a lesbian?

MERIAM WEBSTER UNMANLY WORD GUIDE

2006-06-25T13:42:00.000-05:00

Finery: You know what? If you don’t get why you shouldn’t say it then you deserve to get your ass kicked.

Hijack "Retarded" By Lack of Intelligence

2006-06-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

BALTIMORE- Four mentally challenged middle eastern men were forcefully removed from the Baltimore Aquarium after their ill fated attempt to hijack a simulated flight to Australia. The incident took place during an eight minute "flight"- a movie presentation highlighting the wonders of the Outback- from Inner Harbor to Australia. The men, ranging in age from twenty one to thirty six attempted to "take control" of the auditorium approximately two minutes into the eight minute movie. Most of the "passengers" on the fictitious flight did not flinch when the ring leaders, Mohammed Quasr and Wazzup Atwa began moving their hoverounds in circles and demanding everyone's attention. Their two co-conspirators quickly lost interest, further hampering the ill fated plot. Finally, after several minutes of incoherent, unmet demands, the four men were removed from the premises by Baltimore Aquarium staff and the movie was returned safely to the beginning. The ACLU issued a statement on the incident this morning."The shoddy treatment of these developmentally disabled people is, unfortunately, a blanket indictment on the Baltimore Aquarium staff as a whole. These men did not deserve to be treated like second class citizens when in fact they are not US citizens to begin with. These people are law abiding, cognitively impaired citizens who were denied their autonomy in a heavy handed display of brutality. An apology to all peoples of middle eastern descent as well as to all intellectually disabled people should be forthcoming as well. And a promise should be made by the Aquarium to restore good faith by installing more wheelchair accessible ramps." Len Webber, Chief of Police in Baltimore City refused to play the PC card in giving his assessment of the demands made by the ACLU. "That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. I feel retarded even having to fill out paper work for this retarded stunt. My vacation is being retarded by these retarded people and that retarded organization wants the staff at the Aquarium to apologize? That's nothing short of retarded." Marc H.

Dear Gorilla Guys Vol. I

2006-06-23T02:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Gorilla Guys, I asked my boyfriend of four years if he had a thing for my girlfriend. He says no, but I don't like the way he looks at her. I suspect something might be up. We get along great and I have no worries aside from this one. Am I just imagining things? Worried in Wisconsin Dear Worried, He's banging her. ------------------------------------------------ Dear Gorilla Guys, My husband is constantly asking me if I would bring my best friend into our bed. When I mentioned this to my girlfriend she said she might be interested. I told them both that I would never do such a thing, but now I'm afraid that they will do it behind my back anyway. I don't know what to do. Confused in Connecticut Dear Confused, Send your girlfriends phone # to 800lbgorillaguys@gmail.com

Ozzie Guillen Proves It Takes A Pillage

2006-06-23T01:18:00.000-05:00

Contributed by Dan M. and Marc H. CHICAGO- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was fined an undisclosed amount of money and ordered to undergo sensitivity training for his use of a derogatory term (fag) aimed at Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti. "On Tuesday night, Ozzie Guillen used language that is offensive and completely unacceptable to queers," commissioner Bud Selig said in a statement. "Baseball is a social institution with a responsibility to set an appropriate tone and example. Conduct or language that reflects otherwise will not be tolerated. The use of slurs such as fag, faggot, fairy, nancy, pansy, arse bandit, cake boy, poofter, ball juggler, brownie and faggoteer are totally inappropriate. Even the use of pig-latin, such as agfay, can be embarrassing to homos, the club and the game." Guillen went into a profanity-laced tirade against Mariotti before Tuesday night's game against St. Louis and called him a number of names, including a derogatory term that is often used to describe someone's sexual orientation. "I call him a fuckn' fag. They don't agree with what I say. Me either. I agree with what I say about Jay though. I'm not going to change. One thing I'm going to make clear is I apologize to the community, but to Jay the fuckn' fag, no chance. This thing is on and on for good." Jay Mariotti responded to Guillen's poofy comments on a local sports talk radio show in Chicago. "Ozzie's a great manager, but the little spic has no social skills. He's a glorified banana republic guerilla. He's a rich plaintain picker. He got his citizenship in this country by scraping his belly on a chain link fence. He's living proof you can take the monkey out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the monkey." Chicago White Sox General Manager Ken Williams attempted to defuse the situation by calling a press conference Friday morning. "I talked to Jay Mariotti this morning and I told that dago guinea wop greaseball just to steer clear of my manager until things blow over. I talked to Ozzie last night and I told that little bean bandit, drywalling, taco jockey to keep his opinions to himself." When a female reporter in the audience informed Williams that another former Chicago GM had lost his job thanks to such vitriolic displays, Williams was unmoved. "I wasn't calling you a carpet muncher or a cock chafer so settle down Miss Aryan Race." When the female reporter corrected Williams by divulging that she was in fact German Irish, Williams responded."Well, let me tell you something, my Kraut Mick friend. You can take this news back to your friends and you can tell them I ain't Ken Harrelson! Yeah, I know that story!"

Singapore Plans Worker Potty Training

2006-06-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

SINGAPORE- Singapore plans to give its toilet cleaners more potty training. Already famous for its spotless streets, Singapore is stepping up a campaign against filthy restrooms: The government has initiated a training program to boost the status and skills of the city-state's toilet cleaners, a newspaper reported Thursday. More than 50 toilet cleaners will be promoted to "restroom specialist" upon completing the three-day pilot course taught by Japanese experts in the latest toilet technology, The Straits Times reported. The program - sponsored by the city-state's National Trades Union Congress and the Singapore-based World Toilet College - aims to boost the image and wages of professional toilet cleaners by training them to do more on the job, The Straits Times reported. The college has flown in three top Japanese trainers to conduct the course on improving cleaning techniques and technical expertise to the initial group of 51 cleaners. "Cleaners have low morale and low skills," the paper quoted Jack Sim, the World Toilet College's founder, as saying. "We want to professionalize them and teach them to be proud of their jobs." Sim said he plans to train all 5,000 toilet cleaners and raise their average monthly wage to $598, up from $472.

MERIAM WEBSTER UNMANLY WORD GUIDE

2006-06-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

Darling: Presumptuous, pompous. Any guy who uses it in a sentence and is not high should be punched in the face

HEADLINE Vs Headline Vol. II

2006-06-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

WORLD: OLMERT APOLOGIZES FOR CIVILIAN DEATHS USA:CROSSWORD PUZZLE FANS GET OWN MOVIE WORLD: EARTHQUAKE HITS OFF NORTHEAST JAPAN USA: PHOENIX VOTED "SWEATIEST CITY" WORLD: INDIANS SOUND ALARM ON MERCURY POISONING USA: NEWSPAPER ENDORSES NEVADA POT INITIATIVE WORLD: MORE THAN 200 DEAD IN INDONESIAN FLOODS USA: HUMANE SOCIETY SEEKS NY FOIE GRAS BAN

With Divorce Rate Down, Country Music Forced To Change

2006-06-22T08:34:00.000-05:00

With the latest divorce rates taking a downward spiral, the country music industry has been forced to change on the fly. “It (divorce) used to be every bit as American as owning a double wide, apple pie, cheating on taxes and gettin’ fat.” Said country singer Tim McGraw. “It ain’t as common as it used to be, so now we have to look for other stuff to write about. Like criminally negligent CEO’s and terrorists and soldiers and reality shows. There’s still plenty of good stuff out there, we’ve just had to move in a different direction.” McGraw believes the three keys to a successful marriage are communication, honesty and being able to have sex with Faith Hill. Country music legend Kenny Rogers believes the divorce rates are cyclical and that sooner or later, unlike the South, they will rise again. “It (divorce) will make a comeback, I’m sure of it. When the divorce rate started to spike back in the seventies, it was a golden time for the industry. Every song was about a love gone wrong and six hollering kids and no food. People have downsized and stayed together or decided not to get married in the first place. The young guys in the business have adapted well, I think. Sure, it’s hard to get the same edge from a four month relationship that hits the rocks. But the one constant with our fan base is there are still six kids and no food.” Marc H.

Heat Is On Riley After Title Clincher

2006-06-21T20:31:00.000-05:00

DALLAS- Hours after collecting his fifth NBA title ring, Miami Heat Head Coach Pat Riley turned himself in to local authorities. In a shocking turn of events, Riley confessed to police that he was in fact the second shooter in Dealey Plaza when former President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. "Mr. Riley has given us a statement in which he has confessed to his role as the second gumnan on November 22, 1963. He was eighteen years of age and working his way through college when he took an odd job which turned out to be a hit on the President. According to Mr. Riley, he was paid the sum of $500.00, all in brylcream." Said Deputy Chief Edgar Renteria. Riley's Miami Heat players were visibly clueless after the news. "I cannot believe he killed John F. Kennedy while we were here in Dallas. I don't know how he had the time to plot this and pull it off with all the game planning he was doing. Who's John F. Kennedy?" Said point guard Jason Williams. "If he killed JFK, then I know where Jimmy Hoffa is." Declared center Shaquille O'Neal. "No seriously, I do know where Jimmy Hoffa is." He led reporters into the winning locker room where the body of the former union boss was located under a good luck shrine of towels and jock straps created by the team before the playoffs began. Pat Riley is expected to be released of his own recognizance. His troubles are not over quite yet, however. The Heat boss likely will be facing a fine of up to $1,000 dollars as well as several hundred hours worth of community service; part of which will likely involve making coffee runs for Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and driving Terrell Owens to the airport when he is released from the Cowboys. Renteria for one, is hoping for a repeat performance by the Heat next season. "I want to know if Elvis really is still alive, and if there really is life on other planets. And whatever happened with all those missing planes and ships in the Bermuda Triangle? And Jimmy Morrison. And who shot JR?" Marc H.

CARS PISSES OFF SERIOUS MOVIEGOERS FOR 2ND WEEK IN ROW

2006-06-21T11:30:00.000-05:00

For the second week in a row, the Pixar animated motion picture CARS grabbed the top spot at the box office. The movie, about a hot shot rookie race car named Lightning McQueen who finds more than just a good time along Route 66, has many adults incensed. "Gone are the days when a movie was educational. Now everything is CGI. It’s bad enough we have to be exposed to antiseptic Cineplex’s and stadium seating and fifteen dollar tubs of popcorn. Now we’re sharing the same breathing space with snot nosed kids who think going to the movies is supposed to be fun.” Says Ed Werder. Werder runs a website called killjoy.com, which celebrates the art of silver screen sleep inducers such as The Killing Fields and Remains Of The Day. "I remember my first movie experience being REDS (Starring Warren Beatty). I was six years old when I went into that film with my mother and going through puberty when I came out. That is something kids today just do not know. The suffering, the excruciating loss of sunshine a movie put us through in our childhood has been lost." Paul Wilmer, an unemployed foreign film buff who owns a doctorate in Film Noir, believes todays generation is losing out. "You can't find a single foreign film at these multi-plexes. Kids today think Napoleon Dynamite is a foreign film. When you rent a foreign film from Blockbuster, they automatically put you on the terrorist watchlist. To think, an entire generation will never know the genius of Gerard Depardieu. It makes my skin crawl." Marc H.

ROETHLISBERGER GLAD TO BE BACK WITH YANKEES

2006-06-20T17:56:00.000-05:00

Pittsburgh- Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger returned to the field less than two weeks after a motorcycle accident nearly took his life. And surprisingly enough, he suffered no ill effects from the head injuries which kept him in the hospital for close to a week. “Ben really looked good out there today. His throws were tight, he was finding the right receivers. He didn’t miss a beat. I wish he’d thrown his head through a windshield before the Super Bowl, it might have saved me some anxious moments in that game.” Said coach Bill Cowher. Offensive Coordinator Ken Whisenhunt also praised Roethlisberger for looking fit and trim. “This kid might have revolutionized the off-season training program for all athletes. A week or two in the hospital drinking out of a straw. Genius.” Roethlisberger was cautiously optimistic about the season to come. “It’s going to be a long season you know, that’s hockey. When you play against the likes of Shaquille O’Neal, it’s never going to be an easy task. But I feel great and I am really happy to be back playing for the Yankees.” Marc H.

HEADLINE Vs Headline

2006-06-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

WORLD: World Cup Underway! USA: KC Royals Eliminated From Postseason Play WORLD: Chemicals Harming Arctic Wildlife: WWF USA: Nick and Jessica Battle for Top Billboard Spot WORLD: Indonesians Trapped Under Volcano Debris USA: McDonalds Unveils 1,000 Calorie Sandwich WORLD: Bus Bomb Pushes Sri Lanka Closer To War USA:Britney Spears An "Emotional Wreck" Marc H.

Superman Spokesman: S Is For Straight

2006-06-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

Despite a torrent of internet rumors questioning Superman's sexual preference, those closest to the Caped Crusader say there are no Brokeback revelations to be had. "He's got a girlfriend." Said Green Lantern, a longtime friend. "He's about as gay as John Wayne . . . not that there's anything wrong with that." Batwoman, who was "outed" last year when Catwoman admitted to having a five year relationship with her, believes the talk is cheap. "I think it's completely unfair. Just because he wears a cape, prefers tight clothes, is meticulous and exposes himself in public (phone booths) doesn't mean he's gay." She says the taboo of homosexuality isn't nearly as prevalent now as when she broke in. "It's just different nowadays. Apollo and Midnighter live in a giant spaceship with their cats and it's cool. That never would have been accepted even ten years ago. Do you really think Batman needed a sidekick? Hell no, it was cover for the fact he had one king sized waterbed in his mansion. Umm, don't write that." The speculation over Superman's sexual orientation began last fall when it was divulged the Caped Crusader was using Levitra. A spokeswoman for Superman explained. "It was a bad time for him (Superman). He'd had a bad breakup with Wonder Woman and he was experiencing severe depression. He would like everyone to know he has regained his Super libido and that it (Super ED) is no longer a Super issue." Marc H.

Ab(u) Reduction Complete

2006-06-09T11:59:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON- Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, number two man on the most wanted list and former programming director of Air America was granted martyrdom on Wednesday night. Zarqawi was spared the degradation of a long, drawn out trial by American air strikes on his 'safehouse' northeast of Baghdad. Plans for a scheduled trip to Euro Disney were scrapped after the bombing. Zarqawi had been looking forward to being a guest of honor to the French President Jacques Chirac. Initial reports had Abu dying as a result of the air strikes but it has been reported he did survive initially. "Zarqawi was trying to reach Osama on his cell, but he kept getting dropped." Said a US military official who was on the ground immediately after the bombings. "I believe he was trying to ascertain how much of the 72 virgins story was a recruiting tool and how much of it was fact. I believe he is currently in the process of discovering it was solely a recruiting tool." The killing is an economic boon to US taxpayers who would have had to fork over an estimated 100 million dollars or more for a trial for the terror mastermind and expert beheader. "This savage killing will not deter us (fundamentalist lunatics) from our stated goal (remaining unemployed). Said Assihiri Wype al Badri, the events coordinator for Al Qaeda's Baghdad branch. President Bush responded. "Mr. Zarqawi is dead and he's the better for it. The Iraqi people can rest in peace now. I don't think this ends Secretariat (Sectarian) violence, but I think it ends Zarqawi's life." Marc H.

Oprah: Screw the Amish

2006-06-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

Lancaster, PA: Billionaire media mogul Oprah Winfrey canceled her scheduled trip to Lancaster on Wednesday, citing "irreconcilable cultural differences". Winfrey had planned to take photographs of the Amish and feature them in an upcoming issue of her magazine "Oprah". "Oprah is very disappointed that her project had to be scrapped simply because of an antiquated religious belief. I mean, this is Oprah we're talking about here. They (The Amish) should have made an exception for Oprah. She is, after all, the most incredible person who has ever walked the face of the earth. Make sure you write that and she knows it came from me, please." Said her longtime friend and fellow neurotic Dr. Phil. "Oprah was really excited about this trip. She was giving away a free mini-van to every member of a congregation. And of course, then she was told they don't drive." Said her spokewoman. "She wanted to fly an Amish couple to Vegas for the weekend and she was told they don't gamble. Even after getting rebuffed on all those counts, she was going to send the congregation a DVD gift pack of the greatest Oprah moments. They told us they never watch Oprah. That was enough." Marc H.

What Price Glory?

2006-06-02T09:45:00.000-05:00

Katie Couric is hard at work for CBS News, months ahead of her debut for the network this fall. Taking her cue from former CBS anchor Dan Rather, Couric is said to be working feverishly as she gathers unsubstantiated reports and bogus documents. "It's the franchise, I can't let my viewership down." As she sipped at her venti decaf, non-fat, soy latte, Couric seemed unfazed by the onset of the witching hour. Working twenty hour days is nothing new to her. She was asked what keeps her going. "Starbucks several times a day, tiramisu and GNC." was her reply. That last revelation was news to Sean McManus, President of CBS News. "We've never heard a single rumor about Katie as far as that (performance enhancing drugs) was concerned." A closer look reveals chinks in the armor of the McManus defense. The industry has been buzzing about Couric for several years now. "After GMA took the lead in the ratings back in 2001, it was no secret Katie was looking to get back on top, any way she could." Says a former NBC staffer. "When Dianne (Sawyer) started breaking records over at GMA, Katie went ballistic." Says another staffer at NBC who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "She started putting in monster hours. She was doing chin ups, one armed push-ups and power carbing during commercial breaks. "She went from this mousy little thing to the incredible hulk inside of six months. When I asked her about it, she explained that it was a Cosmo workout regimen. I didn't suspect anything beyond that." Says Jeff Zucker, President of NBC TV. Between March of 2002 and her final show this past Wednesday, Couric compiled an astounding 1,400 reports,890 live remotes and 654 exclusive interviews. Her energy level, according to some, was off the charts. "She shattered Barbara Walter's records, she left Jane Pauley in the dust. I think perhaps we were all guilty of reveling in the moment, getting caught up in all of the excitement. In hindsight, we might have been well served to ask the more pertinent question. How was this possible?" Zucker says. The worry is that the numbers generated by Couric will taint the morning show business for years to come. "It's unfair, really." Said Joan Lunden, former co-host of Good Morning America. "Every morning show host is going to be subjected to the question (of performance enhancing drugs) now. Everyone is going to view their accomplishments with a slanted eye. Until there is testing across the board, that's not going to change." Bryant Gumbel, formerly of the Today Show, has a surprisingly positive (and non-racist) take on the Couric saga. "Listen, whatever Katie did will be judged under the lens of the time she was working in. What Jane (Pauley) did was clean. She worked in the age of typewriters, there were no teleprompters. And I take issue with the idea that Barbara Walters will be forgotten. There is only one Barbara Walters, she was the Queen of morning shows. Nothing Katie has done is going to diminish that." Marc H.

Attention Deficit Disorder News Vol. II

2006-05-18T23:14:00.000-05:00

Thomas Breaks News to Algore: "Albert Dear, You Lost" WASHINGTON- In a stunning, unprecedented move by a Senior White House Correspondent, Helen Thomas openly admitted that former Vice President Al Gore lost the 2000 Presidential election and broke the news to Gore personally Thursday. Thomas, who has been covering the White House for forty-six years, never thought she would ever have to openly admit the obvious. "It was bad enough to concede the 2000 election, but having to break the news to Albert was, well, it was a heartbreak," said Thomas. When asked how the former VP took the news, Thomas responded, "Better then expected." Bush: "Read My Lips, ..." WASHINGTON- President Bush completely forgot what he was going to say at a White House press briefing on immigration reform Thursday. The White House press corp were left utterly confused today as President Bush stopped speaking in mid-sentence, and remained speachless for about five minutes. Bush seemed to be reaching for the right words, but despite his best efforts none came to mind. After the long and uncomfortable silence from the President, White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, moved Bush over a little and continued fielding questions from the press. U.S. Forces Plan Own Exit Strategy BAGHDAD- Citing the Bush Administration's ongoing refusal to provide a timetable for withdrawal, the U.S. troops stationed in Iraq have devised their own exit strategy. "My marines are the best-trained, best-equipped, most homesick fighting force in the world," said Staff Sgt. Cornelius Woods. "Just give us the order, and we will commandeer every available vehicle to execute a flanking maneuver on the airstrips of Mosul. By this time tomorrow, we will have retaken our positions at our families' dinner tables in full force." In a striking rebuke of the assertions of the Pentagon and the White House that a swift exit is neither practical nor possible, soldiers of varying rank have outlined a straightforward plan of immediate disengagement, dubbed "Operation Fuck This." Dan M.

Senate OKs Additional Border Security

2006-05-17T23:57:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. WASHINGTON - The Senate agreed to give millions of illegal immigrants a shot at U.S. citizenship and backed additional security along the Mexican border Wednesday. After much heated debate on the floor, the Senate agreed on a turnstile provision to the immigration reform bill. "If we don't agree on anything else, we must come up with a bipartisan plan to count the number of immigrants flowing across our southern border," said Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-NE. "To be fair to the American taxpayer, we must have an accurate illegal immigrant head count before we raise taxes to compensate for illegal immigration," he added. Illegal immigrants imposed more than $26.3 billion in costs on the federal government in 2002 and paid only $16 billion in taxes, creating a net fiscal deficit of almost $10.4 billion, or $2,700 per illegal immigrant. "That's a-lotta tamales," says Hagel. Prospects for the turnstile provision being added to the bill were clouded by a withering attack against it by a prominent Senate Republican. "America can be a lawful society, a welcoming society and a fiscally minded society. We don't have to choose between the three," said Sen. Rick Santorum, R-PA. "The rising cost of big government is just as much a burden on the American taxpayer as illegal immigration, so what do you say we find a nice used turnstile on eBay?" Rhetoric aside, votes on the Senate floor in favor of the turnstile provision gave fresh momentum to the immigration reform legislation. At the end of the day, a 83-16 majority was happy with what was accomplished. "We were able to meet every one of our goals," said Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Il. "We added an important, bipartisan provision to the immigration reform bill that adds border security, counts the number of Democrats..., um, I mean immigants, coming across the border and does all of this very effectively at minimum cost to the American taxpayer." Durbin said. President Bush seemed especially pleased by the days events. "This is what can happen in Washington when we put aside our differences and work together on these issues," said Bush. "The eBay merchant says the turnstile can be delivered from Montreal to San Luis, AZ in about two weeks time. Since the turnstile was taken out of the Expo's old Olympic Stadium, an added bonus is that, although it is used, it wasn't used too much."

Disorder Anxiety Disorder

2006-05-17T01:05:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. HERSHEY, PA- A recent Pennsylvania State University study suggests that one in ten Americans suffer from anxiety over the realization that nothing is wrong with them. Dr. Theodore S. Barlow is Penn State College of Medicine's Behavioral Sciences Division Chief at the Hershey Medical Center, and a part-time Civil War reenactor. Barlow said he interviewed and observed a broad-based sample of subjects from varying social, economic and geographic backgrounds over a two year period. The studies findings will be published in the upcoming issue of The Journal of Behavioral Sciences. "The vast majority of test subjects involved in the study had either a family member or someone they knew that was being treated for something," said Barlow. "They tried to find something wrong with themselves; Bipolar Disorder, ADD, ADHD, Adult Anxiety Disorder, Restless Leg Syndrome, but nothing ever panned out for them," Barlow said. According to Barlow, many Americans perceive the fact that they are completely healthy as something they should feel guilty about. "This leads to tremendous amounts of pent-up anxiety, and a lot of people fool themselves into believing that the cause for their anxiety is legitimate. They will consult psychiatrists, psychotherapists and even psychics, but when they still find nothing they're crushed," says Barlow. "These people are sick over the fact that they're not sick, and that's kind of a disorder," he added. The $750,000, NIH funded study is about to enter it's second phase. "In our second round of testing we will be looking for links between illegitimate anxiety and social issues," said Barlow. "We're focusing mainly on test subjects who are registered Democrats ."

Attention Deficit Disorder News Vol. I

2006-05-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

Moss Says Oui Oui! PARIS- Kate Moss has announced her engagement to Jean Pierre. Pierre is a world class chef from Paris who recently moved to the States to open a chain of restaurants for bulimics, called “Replay”. Moss met Pierre while partaking of her bi-weekly meal of celery sticks and water. Her daily regimen includes cocaine and five packs of cigarettes. A publicist for Moss said the couple plans on having children, despite the fact Pierre is a hemophiliac and Moss’s skeletal frame is considered a lethal weapon. AMA: American Kids Are Undermedicated. NEW YORK- In a new study released this week in the American Journal of Medicine, doctors caution that many American children are not medicated enough. “Our latest studies find only about half of all children of Elementary school age have a medicine prescribed to them, That’s just not going to cut it.” Says Dr. Bah Baul Bouie of Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York. Not all the numbers are so disheartening, however. “The use of psychotropic drugs has exploded over the last decade. It’s a hundred fold over what it was in the mid ‘90s, so it’s not all bad news.” Bah Baul Bouie believes the use of ‘soft drugs’ such as Ritalin and Prozac helps to promote a sustained and consistent path into future prescription drug use. “We can’t wait until they move into cholesterol medication, we want to establish a need for prescription drugs at an early age. After all, dependent children become dependent adults.” Jack Valenti: Today’s movies too ‘soft’ Jack Valenti, the former President of the Motion Picture Association, came out against the ‘soft state’ of today’s movies in a recent interview with Good Housekeeping Magazine. “I remember it wasn’t that long ago we were getting blamed for the likes of Ted Bundy. I don’t remember the last time a crazy mom brought a suit against us.” He blames the production studios but also took a stab at a few A-list actors while he was at it. “Sean Penn and George Clooney are girlie men. They’re more interested in telethons and saving dogs in the Bayou than they are in shocking the hell out of people. I don’t remember seeing those guys in a chainsaw movie, ever!” Phillip Morris Sees Opening In Fact That Life Sucks: RICHMOND, VA- With the sluggish economy affecting many Americans, the ongoing threat of terror attacks and a six year long lame duck Presidency, tobacco companies are taking advantage of the opening. Officials from the Phillip Morris tobacco company are set to unveil a brand new campaign urging people to join the ranks of the nicotine impaired. They’re also reaching out to those who have kicked the habit. Richard Williams, CEO of Phillip Morris is frank in his assessment. “We feel the American people are denying themselves that most basic of rights, to die on their own terms. It’s what smoking is all about.” According to Williams, now is the time to start smoking. “And if you’re a former smoker, now is the time to pick up the habit again. What is there to live for? We say, smoke like a banshee, eat whatever you feel like and screw exercise. For all you know, you could buy it on the L or go bankrupt filling up your tank. Live now, because it’s not going to get better.”

Marc H.

Phillies Phenom Is Pheromone Phanatic

2006-05-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. PHILADELPHIA, PA- Move over steroids. There's a new story in Major League Baseball that will soon eclipse Barry Bonds and the performance enhancing drug controversy. His name is Cole Hamels, the prized left-handed pitching prospect of the Philadelphia Phillies, and the controversy is over his alleged use of performance distracting drugs. Pheromones. The chemical or set of chemicals produced by a living organism that transmits a message to other members of the same species. There are many different types of pheromones that occur naturally in nature, but the pheromones in question are anything but natural. Dr. Don Catlin heads the UCLA Olympic Analytical Laboratory, one of the top drug labs in the world, and he headed the drug testing lab at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. "I first discovered the use of pheromones as performance distractors during the 2002 Olympics," said Catlin. "Certain gymnasts were achieving seemingly unattainable scores from Russian and Romanian judges. I just knew something was wrong." Dr. Catlin not only discovered the use of the illegal pheromones, he was also able to trace them back to the source. "The strain of pheromones that I found at the 2002 Olympics is really a bunch of different pheromones combined to make one super pheromone, and the only laboratory capable of achieving this is the Lund Laboratory in Switzerland," said Catlin. The Swedish researchers discovered that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women. "What the Lund laboratories have done is combine the two pheromones, along with a host of others, to create a super pheromone," says Catlin. How can you tell if Hamels is 'fuming'? Catlin says he knows. "You have to look for the little subtleties," says Catlin. "In Hamels case, I noticed that his teammates are not just patting his butt, but fully grabbing it, and they seem sorry to let go. Also, when Hamels takes the mound there's a lot more 'fixing the pants' going on from fellow players. Also, the whistling and cat-calling from the players is a classic indicator." Hamels isn't just raising the eyebrows of his teammates. "Batters facing Hamels seem like they're in a trance-like state. It's no wonder most of them are outed on third called strikes. That's why these pheromones are deemed performance distactors," says Catlin. When asked if the super pheromone had any limitations Catlin responded, "Players downwind of Hamels are much more susceptible." How sure is Dr. Catlin that Cole Hamels is taking the super pheromone? "100%. How else do you explain his ability to arouse his fellow ballplayers and maintain a relationship with Heidi Strobel?" Strobel, Survivor:Amazon contestant and 2003 Playboy cover girl was unavailable for comment. Hamels, selected in the first round of the June 2003 First-Year Player Draft, will start Friday in Cincinnati. The 22-year-old Hamels baffled Triple-A hitters, compiling a 0.39 ERA and allowing just 10 hits in 23 innings, with 36 strikeouts against one walk. After watching Hamels blow away the competition for three straight starts, Phillies General Manager Pat Gillick couldn't resist calling Hamels up. "Sure, I would like to add some seasoning to this fine roast and take him out when ready, but I just can't wait to savor this young man's talent," said Gillick after Wednesdays 13-4 loss to the Mets. Major League Baseball has declared the use of super pheromones illegal, but the Players Union has yet to agree on mandatory pheromone testing.

Blaine And (Not So) Simple

2006-05-10T15:07:00.002-05:00

Fresh off the heels of his latest stunt, in which he immersed himself in water for seven days and then capped it off by holding his breath for more than seven minutes, David Blaine has already set plans in place for his next stunt: Finding a living, breathing employee at Wal-Mart. As if that isn’t enough, Blaine will then attempt to receive assistance from the employee in the form of product knowledge. Blaine will use a hidden camera for the Wal-Mart project. “The producers felt there was a high probability that many of the Wal-Mart employees would confuse us with a show such as Cops or America’s Most Wanted and they would flee the scene.” Blaine said in explaining the need for hidden cameras. In his latest bizarre go round, the street magician will walk to the middle of a chosen Wal-Mart store and ring a bell for service. He will place himself in the same standing position until an employee answers his request for assistance and he will use up to seven days, which most believe will be necessary. "I love David, but this is beyond crazy. I hope he reconsiders. Once he goes in there, it’s going to be seven days of his life lost, for good.” Said longtime pal David Arquette. Blaine shows no signs of letting up. His calendar is booked solid for the foreseeable future. Some future challenges include: Living in Whoopi Goldberg’s hair for a month, restoring Paula Abdul’s virginity and finding Kathy Lee Gifford. Marc H.

Sheen Getting His Party Started

2006-05-10T10:36:00.000-05:00

Martin Sheen, who plays outgoing President Josiah Bartlet on NBC’s highly rated “West Wing”, has announced he will run for the real thing in ’08. The longtime actor has been busy forming a new political party- tentatively named The Sheen Party-which will be making its debut in the upcoming midterm elections. Running under the newly headed party: Such notables as Sean Penn, Deion Sanders and Haley Joel Osmont. Sheen has already tabbed his running mate. Geena Davis from the ABC show “Commander In Chief”. “Her service (to ABC TV) has been exemplary. I hearken back to Camelot (Michael Douglas in The American President) when Geena's name is spoken. I am confident she can do the same make believe job in my administration. I think we would be the most dynamic force to hit the Beltway since Ferraro-Mondale.” Sheen said. “I think the positive ratings generated by Commander In Chief is all the proof you need (that the country is ready for a female VP). We haven’t had a female in the Oval Office since that Monica chick, it’s time.” Said Jimmy Smits, the President Elect on West Wing. Smits plays Matthew Vincente Santos on the show. He politely declined Sheen's invitation to help out on the campaign run, citing the grueling faux Presidential schedule to come. " I love Marty, but I have to devote my full attention to the first 100 days (of taping West Wing)." Sheen’s first order of business should he actually win? “I had a hard time watching the ridiculous number of balls attended by our current President. I would make a concerted effort to do away with that practice altogether. If I was President, I would have no balls whatsoever.” Marc H.

Selig Taking Stock in Bonds Report

2006-05-09T20:19:00.002-05:00

Commissioner Bud Selig has unveiled a new plan for dealing with the fallout from Giants slugger Barry Bonds eclipsing Babe Ruth’s career home run total of 714. Selig plans to wipe number 715 from the record books before it actually occurs. In a move eerily similar to the plot from the science fiction thriller “Minority Report”, Selig has enlisted the help of three precognitive sisters whose function might well save baseball’s record books from certain infamy. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, joined by their older sister Drew (Barrymore), have been immersed in a huge vat of two percent milk for the past week. The three were chosen for their ability to see visions of the future, thanks to their prolonged abuse of hallucinogenic drugs as child stars. If all goes as planned, a Plasma screen at ESPN’s home office in Bristol, Connecticut will transmit the brain waves, turning them into video imagery; thus nailing the exact moment when Bonds will pass the Ruthian mark. Mark Fuhrman, the former LAPD detective, is running the Future Crimes Against Baseball Division and will apprehend and subsequently hit Bonds with a lifetime ban when he steps to the plate prior to the home run which would break the mark. The irony of this fiction turned reality was not lost on former baseball commissioner Fay Vincent. “In the movie, the sisters were genetically altered, not the person they were going after.” It seems Bonds can rest easy despite his inevitable suspension. He already holds one record. The Guinness Book of World Records lists Bonds as the world’s largest bobblehead doll. Marc H.

Chicagoans See The Light As Cubs Skid Sixth

2006-05-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. It was easy to offer advice to the Cubs. Just relax. Forget about April. Don't worry about how many games you've won. Fortunately, it seems the advice paid off, and that after losing their last six games, Chicago's 'Lovable Losers' may be able to retain their endearing moniker. Despite their "better than normal" April (14-10), and the fact that their pitching and offense appeared to be hanging with the best in the National League Central Division, Cubs manager Dusty Baker had "no doubt" that his team would be able to turn things around. "I and my coaching staff had to remind the team about the fundamentals; overthrow the cutoff man, walk in runs, run on 0ne out, get picked off and, most importantly, strike out," Baker said after today's loss to the Padres. "I told them to relax. Have fun. The guys want to lose--it's natural," he added. "What we did today, yesterday, and four days before that doesn't matter," said 3rd baseman Aramis Ramirez. "We have to keep focused. We're just now putting it together. We've got a bad team and we're just struggling now. Instead of fighting it we just have to relax and get our heads kicked in," said Ramirez. "We're only two games under .500," he added. "We still have a long way to go." Just how big a hole do the Cubs have to dig for themselves before they reach perfection? With a record of 14-16, the Cubbies are just second to last in their division, but Chicago will have to overcome insurmountable odds to catch up to the Pittsburgh Pirate's record of 9-24. What will it take to get out of this? "Just to believe, man," said centerfielder Juan D'Vaughn Pierre. "You can't stop believing. Once you give in and feel sorry for yourself, the other team's got you. It's going good but everybody has to look at himself in the mirror, and then you get out of it as a team. "I take it personally when we score runs and I get on base," Pierre said. "That's not what I'm known for. When I do it, it's definitely more frustrating for me." "You have to remain positive," Baker said. "You don't ever want to go through these stretches. But I've been there personally and team-wise, things got better. You look for the good times."

Bonds: "The Curse of The Bambino Lives"

2006-05-04T02:44:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. Barry Bonds caused a stir around the batting cage at Miller Park on Wednesday night, but it wasn't for the usual reasons: he stopped a foul tip with his mellon, rather than hitting a tater. About an hour before the start of a game that the Giants ultimately won, 2-0, over the Brewers, Bonds took a shot on his enormous head by a foul tip off the bat of rookie second baseman Kevin Frandsen. Bonds was standing behind the cage but too close to the netting, and the shot knocked him to the ground, where he remained for about five minutes. While in his dazed and confused state, Bonds claims to have had a vision of Babe Ruth, and the message The Bambino had for Bonds wasn't good. It seems 'The Curse of The Bambino' has found a new owner. "I feel fine now," Bonds said after going 0-for-4. "It's actually a relief to know I'll never pass Ruth." Stalled in his pursuit of Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron on the all-time home runs list, the curse seems to be working just fine after all these years. Bonds, at 712, is two short of Ruth's 714 and 43 behind Aaron's 755. "I was standing right next to him when it happened," manager Felipe Alou said. "He was looking at Frandsen, but it happened so quickly. He couldn't get that huge head out of the way. It hit the bill of his giant, Giants cap first. He's a lucky guy." After the incident, Bonds walked off the field without assistance and returned about 10 minutes later, after making sure that Frandsen's locker was sufficiently cleaned out, to take a few rounds of batting practice. Though Bonds appeared dazed when he left the field, he showed no sign of wooziness when he returned.

Immigrant 'May Day' Leaves Millions of Yards Poorly Groomed

2006-05-03T01:04:00.000-05:00

contributed by Marc H & Dan M. The "Mexican Street" has spoken. On May 1st immigration rights advocates walked-out, marched and boycotted in protest of a Congressional plan to make illegal immigration illegal. The ensuing chaos that followed came as a surprise to most Americans as the neglect of millions of menial tasks has left the country in near ruin. We had some rain over the weekend, and that coupled with this . . . It was, unfortunately, the perfect storm, and now we are left to pick up the pieces." Said a teary eyed Fred Silver, a Palo Alto resident. "I woke up Monday and went out on my back porch and it was horrible. I can't really put it into words right now, I'm sorry." Jane Gable, another Santa Clara denizen, gave us a frightening glimpse into the devastation wreaked by the boycott. "My garden will never be the same. My hydrangeas were prize winners last year. They'll never be the same again." Emergency rooms in San Diego County experienced a deluge in flea and tick outbreaks as a result of the runaway grass and weeds. Office managers across the state declared a moratorium on paper usage due to overflowing wastepaper baskets and many bathrooms were padlocked. Governor Schwartzenegger has called for immediate federal relief for his state. "Monday, May 1st, will forever after be known as the 9/11 of lawn-care. And it does not end there. The repercussions of this boycott have been felt in many other areas." Indeed, restaurants across the state were forced to close their doors well before the golden hour as a result of massive dish pileups in the kitchen. Delivery services were virtually non-existent. Greg Jennings, a UCLA film major, decided to rent movies with his girlfriend on Monday. "We go to the movies every Monday, but guess what? There is no one there to take my ticket, so we'll stay in. I'll cook, since there is no pizza delivery guy." Some pizza shop owners in the area were being accused of price gouging on their delivery fee, charging as much as $50.00. Beverly Hills residents were hit particularly hard. "When I woke up this morning and Roan's au pair wasn't here I panicked," said actress, Sharon Stone. "I didn't know what the hell to do. We have absolutley nothing in common. I don't even speak spanish," she added.

Candlelight Vigil for Tasmanian Miners Traps Unknown Number of People

2006-04-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. A candlelight vigil Saturday night outside of Tasmania's Beaconsfield Gold Mines, where two miners are believed to be confined, left an unknown number residents trapped with no means of socially acceptable escape. The vigil, planned for "two hours at most", began just after sunset on Saturday night, but as midnight approached hope was fading fast for a positive conclusion. "I've been here a long time lending my emotional support, and I don't see any way out," Beaconsfield resident Matthew Gill said. "I'm praying they find those men very, very soon." Though they were aware of the dangerous emotional conditions at vigils, many participants said they had ignored the warnings. Many vigil participants reported a "suffocating" atmosphere, one worsened by the singing of church hymns and emotionally charged interactions with the miners' loved ones. "I've been here four hours and I want to go home," said local realtor Clayton Kaye. "Every time I try to walk over to Mrs. Noll to tell her goodnight, she has this 'the father of my children is trapped 350 feet underground' look on her face, and I just can't do it." Near the five-hour mark, many attendees said they began to wonder about the rules, if any, of candlelight-vigil etiquette. Some were uncertain whether they could leave once news of the miners' fate was delivered, or if they would have to first wait for the emergence of a miner. One attendee reportedly used the 'leaving to get more candles' tactic. Local business owner Peter Marsh said, "Right now, I'm praying for a miracle, such as an emergency phone call." After the arrival of the WLHY-15 Action News van at approximately 12:30 a.m., the remaining vigil attendees reported that any hope for escape had been eliminated.

Bush Finally Comes to New Orleans

2006-04-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

Citizens of the Crescent City can rejoice. Eight months after the devastation wreaked on their town by Hurricane Katrina, Bush is finally coming to town. Most don’t even mind that his first name is Reggie and not George. "I think it's important to realize the impact of having Bush." Said former President Bill Clinton who recently returned from a trip to New Orleans. "Bush is really good, even if it's not the Bush they wanted. From my experience, it's better to have a Bush in hand than a bird. New Orleans should be thankful." “Now that we have Bush, we need a new stadium . . . it’s a given. We have to treat Bush right, appreciate Bush and do whatever we can for Bush.” Said Mayor Ray Nagin. “If we have to take some or even most of the levee money to get the stadium financing done, then so be it. We need professional football to remain in this town at any cost, it’s good for the morale.” Nagin was reminded that professional football and New Orleans haven’t been mentioned in the same sentence since the 2000 season when the team last made the postseason. “We’re back, and that’s what matters. Bush is here and now people will feel safe, they’ll come back.” Marc H.

Bill Gates Buys Canada

2006-04-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

It is being reported that billionaire computer magnate Bill Gates has put in an offer to purchase Canada. While terms of the deal have been kept confidential, several sources maintain that Gates has placed a bid which the Canadian Government has accepted. Gates has been in the market for a “rather significant plot of land” for over a year. Blueprints have already been completed for the biggest house in the world. Estimated square footage: Six hundred trillion square feet. Twenty nine thousand bathrooms. Eight hundred and sixteen thousand bedrooms and a porch which will extend from Winnipeg to Quebec. It is believed Ottawa must be fully removed from the premises by the last day of May, which would give his wife Melinda a little over a month to plan the biggest Fourth of July party in the world. “There should be enough room for all of her shoes now.” Said a close family friend, referring to Mrs. Gates’ collection. “And it’s going to be like a second honeymoon for them, they can tuck the kids into bed in Winnipeg and then go have some fun in Vancouver.” Canada has been on the market for several years now. A list of the prospective buyers includes George Bush Sr., Oprah Winfrey and Tom Cruise. Cruise was reportedly interested in acquiring sufficient landing space for his alien visitor friends. Marc H.

FOX looks for Killer Ratings

2006-04-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

In their relentless pursuit of imperfection, FOX has once again scored a knockout. A new reality show created by the minds that brought you "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire" is making waves with church and family organizations as well as Ted Nugent. “The Next Great American Gangstah” is set to make its debut in September. The premise of the show: To scour the country for the most vicious of thugs. Among the prizes awarded will be FUBU merchandise, pimped up rides and an endless supply of ho’s. The first four episodes will be open competitions in locations such as Detroit and Miami. Celebrity judges Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent and Sean "Puffy"Combs will preside over the decision making process, ala “American Idol”; Ashton Kutcher will host the show. Once the paring down process is completed, the top ten finalists will vie for the title of America’s Greatest Gangsta. Among the tests: Holding up five liquor stores in one hour, jacking Hummers and coordinating a drug ring. After some wrangling, producers agreed to drop one of the tests: Capping Ryan Seacrest. “I thought it would have been a natural, being he works for the same network. But I can see where it would adversely affect their show.” Said Executive Producer Paolo Manfredi. Manfredi takes exception to the charges his show is exploitative. “Over the course of twelve episodes, people are going to die, some savagely. Our estimate is anywhere from fifteen to twenty casualties. We’re not exploiting death, we took great pains to keep the body count down. And besides, fifteen to twenty casualties is what you get at your average NBA game.” Marc H.

Rollins Extends Non-Sequential-Game Hitting Streak

2006-04-25T02:28:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. With his 2-for-4 performance in Monday night's 6-5 victory over the Rockies, Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins extended his non-sequential-game hit streak to 758 non-consecutive games, the only recorded, and therefore longest, streak of its kind in major-league history. "The key reason my streak has gone on as long as it has is that I'm not just trying to go out there and get a hit at every at-bat, or even in every game," Rollins said. "And oftentimes I don't. But you've just got to move on, count the hits you do get, and have confidence that, be it the next game or the next series, eventually another hit will drop in to keep the streak alive." Rollins also pointed out that his consecutive-game hit streak actually stands at 926 if you take the extra ones he got in multi-hit games and distribute them among the games in which he was hitless. Major League Baseball's Commissioner, Bud Selig, disagrees. "As much as I'd like to see it, I just can't condone Jimmy taking credit for 168 games that he didn't even play in the Majors. You have to draw the line somewhere."

Scientology's Immaculate Conception: UPDATE

2006-04-25T00:54:00.000-05:00

by Dan M. *UPDATE* It's Happened. The Miracle Baby has finally arrived, a 7 lb. 7 oz. girl named Suri, which reportedly was the name of a futuristic seafaring vessel from a L. Ron Hubbard novel. "It was everything that we wanted it to be. ... It was spiritual. It was powerful. It was indescribable. What words can you use? It's still something that I'm processing and keep reliving," Cruise told "20/20's" Deborah Roberts. "I change diapers all the time. I have to tell you I love it. We have a whole system worked out. It's the 'B and B' - she does the breast feeding and I do the burping and changing the diapers. It's teamwork. It's fun," he added. It seems that despite the best efforts of Scientology geneticists, Cruise may not spawn a bodily-function-free offspring for at least another decade, three years into his eventual marriage to Dakota Fanning. *ORIGINAL STORY* by Dan M. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced that they are expecting their first little Scientologist next spring. Given the public displays of tonsil speedbagn' put on by Cruise, 43, and Holmes, 26, in the world's major capitals earlier this year, their announcement is about as surprising as David Crosby revealing that he needs another liver. What sets the Cruise-Holmes announcement apart, however, is Cruise' insistence that Holmes is still a virgin and will remain one until they are married. "That is a value that's so important to Katie and me," said Cruise from his elevated chair in the Scientology tent on the set of Mission Impossible: 3. "Couples who can't wait until marriage to open their most intimate gifts do not have the discipline to be decent parents and, like Brooke Shields, are often punished with severe postpartum depression." Members of the press reacted with some skepticism to the news that Katie Holmes will join the Blessed Virgin Mary in a select club whose membership is open only to women who manage to conceive without having intercourse. In Mary's case the "birth father" of her baby, Jesus, was the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Blessed Trinity. In Holmes case, the birth father of her child is the late L. Ron Hubbard, the science fiction writer who founded the Scientology cult in 1954. Hubbard, who claimed to have visited the planet Venus, is believed to have ascended there following his death in 1986. According to Cruise, "the rest of the world will know by the imprint of three dollar signs—$$$—on our baby's head that he is the child of L. Ron Hubbard come to lead his people home." Scientologists, like Cruise, believe all human beings are Thetans, the descendants of two creatures from another galaxy who were left on Earth by the Mothership millions of years ago. Thetans are born with Original Dysfunction, a state of confusion and longing for drugs inherited from the two original Thetans who refused to donate any of their fruit to the First Universal Cooperative. Therefore, all Thetans are possessed of Engrams, physical and emotional scars acquired in previous lives, and are doomed to endure successive reincarnations on Earth until they have donated a sufficient amount of money to Scientology. Only by rigorous monitoring and cleansing—which can be purchased by cash, certified check, money order, or credit card other than American Express—can Thetans hope to become clear, i.e., free of Engrams and fabulously wealthy. Once Thetans have become fabulously wealthy, they can afford to buy their way onto the Mothership and eternal bliss on Venus.